Beware of Jackie Chan

Anyone with a passing interest in the film industry will immediately recognise the name of Jackie Chan. Well known for his roles in various martial arts movies as well as, for the last 15 years or so, parts in mainstream blockbuster movies like the Rush Hour trilogy and “Kungfu Kid”. Last weekend, I even read online that he’s starring in his 100th movie as a heroic general against the forces of feudalism [or so says the blurb]. The film is called 1911, look for it and try not to get a pirated version. My concern with this actor, besides his comedic style of fighting and love for doing his own stunts, came about two weeks ago when his name was mentioned in open court. The trial of Madam Ingabire et al is still ongoing and has been characterised in the media by requests to the court, by parties to the case, for more time to collect evidence as well as study and translate various documents quickly followed by exasperated protests at the other party’s delay tactics. As it is still an ongoing trial, I will not comment until the court has made a decision. That said, the Prosecution was making rather interesting revelations two weeks ago. Ladies and Gentlemen, we have finally found out the name of the grenade terrorist. While the Police parade smugglers and Prosecution announces trials of thieves of public funds, we hardly get updates or details of the person with an infuriating habit of targeting public transportation – the grenade terrorist. Shall we get a press conference, with all the bells and whistles, to announce this name. An accompanying composite sketch will also be appreciated. Now, I know that several suspects have been arrested over the grenade attacks but none of them played the part of arch-villain convincingly. This is why I keep referring to the ‘Grenade Terrorist’ in singular to denote the evil mastermind who, to date, has kept his identity a secret. The grenade terrorist chose the name ‘Jackie Chan’ according to the Prosecution. We were also informed that Jackie Chan’s group goes by the rather forgettable ‘Coalition des Forces Democratic’. Evidently, the patch of jungle that Evil Jackie Chan calls home does not contain enough of Actor Jackie Chan’s work. I cannot personally think of a villain role that Actor Jackie Chan has ever played. Evil Jackie Chan did not let this deter him from his arch-villainy activities including the cliche’d scene where the villain explains all of his plans to someone else only for interested parties to intercept this communication. This need to divulge it all is a major failing of nearly every movie villain perhaps arising out of the need to keep the movie watching audience clued in on their intentions. Evil Jackie Chan went all Hollywood and sent a progress report by email to one of the accused. All that’s left in this particular movie is the final confrontation with our given hero and the belated arrival of the forces of law and order. If only life were as straightforward as a kungfu movie. At least we now have a name. Actor Jackie Chan will be none too pleased I imagine. okabatende@gmail.com