Disgruntled Single Female: The worst single-people-problem...

Once, your mother used to just give you unsolicited news about your age-mates’ weddings. But now she is blackmailing you with “Am I ever going to get a grandchild in my life?”

Once, your mother used to just give you unsolicited news about your age-mates’ weddings. But now she is blackmailing you with “Am I ever going to get a grandchild in my life?”

You try not to show that you’re offended by this kind of imposition. You are an only child. Your mother sacrificed a lot for you. Telling her to back off might strain your relationship with her.

 

What you don’t know is that your mother isn’t fighting for a chance to be a grandmother as much as she is fighting to prove to relatives and other haters that you’re not gay. 

 

But how did people come to form such a ridiculous opinion about you, a heterosexual and a self-proclaimed homophobe? 

 

Well, your cousin read somewhere that people who grow up without fathers are likely to end up gay because they are looking for the fatherly love that they missed.

She tells that to her sister who tries but fails to remember a time in your life when you had a girlfriend or even a crush. Furthermore, she has always thought you to be a tad too sensitive to be interested in ‘being a man.’

They both scroll through your Facebook photos that are nothing more than a display of your physical frailness. Your physique is very much like that of the gay guys that they always see on TV rolling their eyes and using too many hand gestures. 

They now have enough evidence to conclude that you are, without a doubt, a gay man. They tell their mother, who is your maternal aunt. Like the concerned sister she is, she sits your mother down and tells her. 

Your mother doesn’t sleep that night. She tosses and turns in bed, wondering whether or not to tell you what people are saying. It might push you to get married. But it might also create an opportunity for you to tell her that you are indeed gay. She decides to bite her tongue and wage war on your singlehood.

What she doesn’t know is that you really do want to get married. But you are fixated on this girl who just won’t let you out of the friend zone.

You are not supposed to be in the friendzone. Save for the fact that you are frail, you are not bad looking. And anyway, a lot of girls like thin tall guys so your appearance is not the problem. You intelligence is well above average. You are sensitive and sweet. You are moneyed. 

But the girl keeps you locked safely in the friendzone because you are not as big a fan of Jesus as she wants her future partner to be. You are figuring out a way to bridge this particular gap to her heart.

Two years go by and your mother finally gets tired of holding it all in. She loads airtime and initiates a phone conversation. In the middle of that conversation, she finally mans up the courage to ask, “Are you gay?” There is awkward silence.

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