The problem with news – writing news that is, is that for the most part, it sucks. Writing news sucks, I’m afraid I have to repeat that. It sucks! This is why and how writing sucks: Imagine a woman who is hotter than Knowless and Beyonce combined. This woman who is hotter than Knowless and Beyonce and Kim Kardashian combined walks into a room full of young men with raging hormones. All the focus of these young men with raging hormones now turns to Miss ‘Hotter than Beyonce and Kim Kardashian and Knowless Combined’. Then they start to enjoy what in simple lay man’s language is called “optical nutrition”. They stare. They ogle. They jostle for space. Among these able-bodied young men with raging hormones is a journalist. Because he is a journalist, his behavior easily deviates and stands out from that of the other young men. While the rest of the guys jostle for space to have a better view of the sight before them, the journalist is looking elsewhere, at a place that offers no optical nutrition whatsoever. The journalist is fixing his gaze on the eyes of the other dudes –well, so that he can read their facial expressions and later write about it. Journalism also sucks because sometimes you can’t write what you really want to write from your inner most voice. This is why when I attended comedian Arthur Nkusi’s comedy gig last weekend, I was forced to keep most of my thoughts to myself, even though I would be writing a review of the show. For instance, one of the things that occurred to me is that comedian Babu must have been a precocious child back in the day, although in a way he is still a child. How do I know that Babu is still a child? Because he is one of those few guys who are described as “sweet” by most ladies. In fact, I overheard one chick at the concert intimate to friends her secret plan to “defile” Babu. Yes, she used the word “defile”. Babu must have been a precocious child back then, but don’t ask me what that means, because do you pay me? Are you The New Times Publications? Babulooks and sounds like a precocious child, in equal measure. If anything, Babu ought to be commended for making us know just how broke Arthur is. According to Babu, Arthur is so broke, he can’t pay attention. In other unrelated news, let us all come together and say “NO” to fitting clothes. And fat people should be the first to be weaned off this silly habit of wearing extremely tight clothing, all in the name of trending fashion. They should be dissuaded from wearing body hugging clothes, because why should clothes hug your body so tightly? Shouldn’t this practice (of hugging) be the preserve of us, humanoids? In fact, to use one of my favorite words, fat people should be the first to be forced off this “fitting” madness.
