My husband and I have been fighting terribly. I’ve been paying rent for two years and supporting him financially yet I am merely a receptionist and he’s well employed. We fought and fought till I kicked him out because the financial burden was too much for me to bear.
Then one day I woke up to messages from him apologising to me. He said he finally realised that he needed to man up and take control of the responsibilities.
He also left a key to our new house that he fully paid for. I’m not sure about this as he tends to act like he’s changed then goes back to the same lazy ways.
Should I give this another try? Or is he playing me?
The counselor’s thoughts...
I truly understand the challenge you’re going through. Carrying the whole family load like a single woman is a very complex experience which could easily break you.
However, before you think of addressing the outstanding problem, first think of analysing and identifying the possible causes of the problem so your solution can aim at attaining a permanent cure.
There must be reasons why your husband adamantly refuses to take charge of his family responsibilities yet he has the ability to do so. A man who receives respect and good care from his wife has a feeling of recognition as a head of family and is more likely to reciprocate with equal love and care than one who receives public humiliation, disrespect and whose efforts get undermined on a regular basis.
This then calls for your maximum commitment as you reflect on the causal circumstances surrounding his unusual conduct. If your part is played and his behaviour is discovered to be under external influences beyond your control, then get closer to him and kindly try to explain the long devastating effects of living a reckless and irresponsible life as a husband.
Don’t be rude to him but rather, be courteous and soft, this will challenge him and he will learn to be responsible. Certain people have weaknesses which often need the support of others and as his next of kin, you’re fully charged with this responsibility. He will value and love you genuinely as his wife and friend.
Your feedback: Readers advise Charity
Let him make up for his mistakes
Anie Marie Nikuzwe
It’s too bad that you had to face all those hardships in your husband’s presence but kudos for managing to sail through. It’s encouraging that your husband has realised his mistakes and accepted to man up to his responsibilities. I advise you to give him another chance to prove his promises to you.
He is willing to change
It’s great that he learnt his lesson when you kicked him out. You should warm up to fact that your husband is willing to change. Let him come home; I have no doubt he will make it up to you if he is a serious man.
Let him take take control
Marie Jean Ugwimbabazi
Before giving him another try, have a clear conversation with him and let him take responsibility for certain things at home. He should fulfill these responsibilities often and of course, give you assurance that he will take control as a husband. With that, you will trust him again.
Make him understand the consequences
Relationships are unpredictable. Due to different reasons, people change and it’s hard for their partners to understand the change. Before you let him get comfortable, you must sit together and draw a list of “dos” and “don’ts” with clear consequences if any of them is broken. This will give you a new beginning and also show your husband that it’s no longer the same playing field he was used to.
Try family intervention
Before giving him another chance, first discuss the issue with both your families; if he promises to be a responsible man in the presence of his in-laws and his family, I believe he is worth a second chance. In addition, sharing that problem with your family might earn you some good advice on the way forward.
Compiled by Dennis Agaba
He deserves a second chance
Everyone deserves a second chance in life; no matter how irresponsible your husband has been in the past. He deserves another opportunity. Forgive him; no one is perfect in life. And pray to God to guide him.
Throwing him out won’t help
Let him come back home; it’s obvious that he misses you and he is willing to change and take charge. The longer you keep him out, the worse things will get. Men do not like to be lonely and will do anything to change it.
If he messes up again, leave him
As they say “everyone deserves a second chance but not for the same mistake” if your husband is promising to change, kindly give him another chance to prove himself. However, if he messes up again or shows signs of behaving contrary to what he promised; then the best option would be to forget him for good and look out for yourself.
Watch him closely
Such people keep on breaking their promises, especially when the going gets tough. In my opinion, let him first fully take control of several responsibilities at home, otherwise he might be playing you.
He needs to prove himself
Being irresponsible and lazy for two years will not be forgotten by a single act of paying for the house now. Personally, I believe there is a lot that needs to be done for him to come back home. If he is willing to man up then let him prove it in other promising ways.
He learnt a lesson
People learn from their mistakes and such lessons are reminders not to go astray again. This also applies to your husband. He learnt his lesson and I have hope that he will be responsible this time around if you give him the opportunity.
He has changed
Five months ago I was in the same situation. I kicked my husband out and after a month of living separately, he begged for another chance and I could sense some change in him. He came back and he has been the best husband since. He is more responsible and committed now. I advise you to forgive him and give him another try.
You need to be strict
It’s a shame that you had to pay all the bills at home alone yet you had a working husband. Well done for kicking him out; at least that helped him realise his role as a man. Since he is showing determination to man up and take control of some the responsibilities, I believe he deserves a second chance.