My father was never there at all; my mom left him before I was born. I think my mother has resented me my entire life. I fully understand that a parent can A) have their children’s best interests in all of their actions because they just want the best for them and B) give you a roof over your head until you’re 18 and send you on your way. My mother does things for me like a normal parent would, she even co-signed on a loan so I could buy her old car.
But for as long as I can remember, she has made me feel like a nuisance. She tells strangers or family or friends about the mistakes I’ve made; insulting me and calling me names like stupid or dumb. Once she even referred to me as an ungrateful bastard.
When we are out in public, she talks to everyone else in a pleasant tone but when I ask a question I get attitude. She makes me feel like I’m nothing but a burden to everyone. For a very long time I took this abuse and kept it inside or would just break down when alone. Should I scrap this relationship?
The counselor’s thoughts...
Although it’s the duty of mothers to make their daughters understand that they are valuable and worthy, some moms don’t know how to be affectionate with their daughters. Just like any other human being, your mom has a weakness that needs your understanding and support. I think she has a lot of bitterness stored up from her earlier years and takes it out on you.
I know it’s hard to have a relationship with someone you can’t socially depend on, but perhaps you’re uniquely created to be thereas her greatest source of support and give her care during her old age. Just learn to play your part as an obedient and loving daughter because you seem really strong. As painful as the situation is, there is an abandoned little girl inside you who desperately wants her mommy.
It’s quite vital to first establish the cause of this resentment, and then revise any strategic ways of finding logical solutions to it. I think you need to have a long talk with your mom, especially when she is in a good mood, so you are sure she will pay attention to what you tell her. Let her know how she really makes you feel and that being bastard wasn’t your choice. Think of any possible child responsibilities that you could have failed to fulfill or any unworthy behaviour in you that upsets her, which may be stimulating such a dysfunctional relationship.
Be polite and appreciate what she gives you and avoid disappointing yourself with requests for the emotional involvement she can’t provide. Always remind yourself that however complicated she is, she’s the only human being on earth, whose earlier decision determines your existence today. She has sacrificed a lot to give you the gift of education plus, there is the hard task of child rising. That alone is actually a lot.
Expand your notion of family so you can bring more people into the embrace of your social network. Get involved with the ladies in your church. Seek out a women’s club or hobby group. Friendship has what it takes to make you dilute the home resentment and often, live a long and victorious life.
Your feedback: Readers advise Lucy
Talk to her about how you feel
You shouldn’t scrap the relationship; no matter what she does she is still your mother. Talk to her; explain to her how it makes you feel when she treats you that way. Tell her that she hurts you when she behaves in such a manner. She could change, you never know.
She doesn’t love you
She doesn’t love you; the fact that she sold a car to you says something. I think a normal mother with great love for her child would just give it to you as a gift. Ignore her and live your own life; find a man, get married and start your own family.
She shouldn’t treat you that way
You are right, parents should have their children’s best interests in all that they do because a child is flesh and blood. There is no good reason for a parent in their right state of mind to treat their own child in such a terrible way.
She had a bad experience
Don’t cut ties with your mother, she could be traumatised by a bad experience with your father and that could be the reason she is treating you that way. You could be a reminder of what she went through with your dad.
She is the only mother you’ve got
I wouldn’t advise you to scrap the relationship because she is all you’ve got. You don’t even know who your father is so do your best and try to create a healthy relationship with your mother. I’m sure she will come around and treat you better.
Compiled by D. Mbabazi
Move on with your life
Scrap the relationship if she treats you like a worthless person yet she is your mother. I think there is no need to force yourself into her life. Some mothers just lack the motherhood bone and their children suffer the consequences. Move on with your life.
She is strange. It’s rare to find mothers hating their own children. Do not let her define you by calling you names. Ignore her and try to find a life of your own.
Did your father hurt her?
Mothers are supposed to be gentle. There has to be a reason she is so rude to you. Some people respond to pain differently, your father must have hurt her deeply and seeing that you are the child of the man who abandoned her in a moment when she needed him most, she is transferring the anger to you since your dad is not around.
Pray for her
Your mother doesn’t resent you, I’m sure there is a reason as to why she is treating you that way. Be patient, pray hard for your mother to change so that you can have a healthy relationship like a daughter and the mother should. Nothing is above the Lord Almighty.
Talk to relatives
Do not scrap the relationship; talk to other family members, especially the elders, and let them know the situation. Tell them to talk to your mother and see how things will turn out.
She is not aware of her behaviour
Your mother clearly loves you, it’s just that parents are also human; sometimes they have life experiences which affect them and indirectly hurt their children without knowing the damage they are causing. Be understanding; she could have been badly hurt in the past.
She can’t be rude for no reason
Communication matters regardless of the situation; even with the mother-daughter relationship, and not just couples only. Be open and ask her why she treats you that way, she is your mother for God’s sakes. Why would she be that rude to you yet she is sweet to others?
Give her time
Be gentle and don’t rush into making decisions you will regret later. You can’t just scrap your relationship with your mother; give her time, she could change for the better. She is your mother and that’s enough for you to bear with her regardless of what she is putting you through.