I am 29 years old and set to get married this year. All is going well but I am having problems because of misunderstandings between my fiancé and my parents. See, I come from a slightly well off family while my fiancé’s family is not very rich. But he is a hard worker and has made a lot of great steps from his efforts.
The challenge is that my family wants to foot most of the wedding bills which will come with them dictating on how we should arrange our wedding and events thereafter. It makes my fiancé feel like he is losing all control over our big day and as if he will not have a say in our marriage. I would hate for my future husband to feel inferior.
Truth be told the man works hard, and our future will be bright, but for now, it is tricky; should I save his ego or should I let my family fulfill their life time dream of seeing their daughter walk down the aisle in style? It seems there is no way to please the two parties, but I am not sure who to please, please help.
The counselor’s thoughts...
Love is just enough to sustain a happy, long-term relationship. It’s certainly appropriate to sustain something as serious as a marriage. In addition to love, you need: shared values; mutual respect; compatibility, some common interests; and a shared vision for the future. You also need to be on the same page in terms of finances especially with open lines of communication. If your family wants to colour their daughter and son’s wedding in a parental spirit, then there is no reason why your spouse should feel lowered and certainly feel like he is losing his authority as head of family.
One thing you have to acknowledge is that, the day you made up your mind to unite with him as one in body and spirit, meant that the two of you, together with your families, became teammates in life, and now shouldn’t treat things like a competition or a battle.
Help each other out! If you truly feel like you have to “lower” yourself around your boyfriend’s family because you’ve been on more extravagant vacations than they have and or you’ve eaten in more expensive restaurants, then I’d definitely recommend moving on. Until you learn that one’s socioeconomic class has no bearing on who he or she is as a person and that the experiences and opportunities mommy and daddy have been able to provide you don’t make you any better than anyone else. Your family’s financial inequalities have nothing to do with his current status given the fact that he is such a hard working and loving husband.
If he feels guilty for having a much lesser contribution to the wedding, then it’s your role to counsel and comfort him to understand that his is just one of the sons to this family and this does not render him powerless or even voiceless to this marriage but instead should give him much assurance in this marriage as a fully recognized and appreciated son-in-law. You have enough compatibility to make him happy and feel loved by your parents.
Do you want to be a wife and mother? Do you want to stay home with the kids? Do you want a husband who is emotionally attentive and a responsible father, even if it means bringing home less money that maybe your father did? Then this is the man for you because he is the kind of man who will make you laugh when you’re down and celebrate you when you’re up. Someone who will love you whole-heartedly, is it more important to have someone your family deems appropriate?
Your feedback: Readers advise Samalie
It’s not your parents’ business
Alisha Karama Essie
A wedding is just a day, an opening to the rest of your life with someone. If you can’t let him take part right now, he might think it will be the same throughout your marriage. It’s about you and husband not what your parents want.
Leave the man to it
The man’s side is the one that is supposed to organise the wedding. Why don’t you focus on your side of the introduction and leave the man to it. You can make a generous contribution to them but don’t try to take it over. It doesn’t make sense.
Worry about what you want
What do you want? You seem to worry about others but how about yourself? Figure that out and go with what makes you feel at peace then it will be easy to talk to either party since it is also partly about you.
Don’t control him
Issac S. Rukundo
There is no man that likes to be controlled. You might get a resignation letter from him before the big day if you don’t sort it out right now. A lion doesn’t like his dinner served to him on a silver plate.
Do it together
This old system of the man will do this and the woman will do that shouldn’t cause arguments. If you are really not bothered about that then show it by working together and making a luxurious wedding together. It doesn’t matter who contributed, all that matters is that the wedding is really nice.
Your husband should be understanding
If he doesn’t have the money, and your family does, why doesn’t he just listen? Money always speaks out loud and a rich man won’t accept to attend his daughter’s wedding in a cheap hotel just because her husband-to-be isn’t as rich.
Your parents know better
It will come as a shock if your parents don’t do things their way. Let the man leave the rich folks to do their thing.
Is it your parent’s wedding?
It’s your wedding. Take control. If your family can’t even respect your own future husband, you are in problems. This is not their wedding so don’t let them ruin it by making your man uncomfortable.
Proper planning will fix this
Kara Sone Teresa
You already have wedding stress coming up, don’t waste more time worrying about this. It will work itself out with time and with wedding meetings, proper planning can be made.
Don’t fight over petty issues
It is not a crime to have a beautiful wedding and it doesn’t matter whose side the money came from.
Do this as a couple
If you are fighting on your wedding day, when will you settle down and come together to do something as a couple?
Fighting won’t solve anything
Let the two families come together, sit and talk it over. Shouting from a distance doesn’t solve anything.
Respect your man
You do realise you are marrying this guy right? Why then would you feel that your family’s opinion should come before his? I know they have money but this is your future husband, make him feel powerful.
If he can’t afford it, let others do it
It’s nice that you worry about his ego and that you would even consider not having the dream wedding you want just to make sure he is comfortable, But unless you plan on having another wedding, I suggest you do it now the way you want it to be and if he can’t affore it he might just have to sit this one out.
Vox pop by P. Buchana