I will never forgive myself

A wise man once told me, “Child, love can make you do right and it can make you do wrong”. I just dismissed him and rushed off. At the time I was a young lady dating a very handsome and caring guy (or so I thought) and couldn’t see how in anyway love could make me do wrong.

A wise man once told me, “Child, love can make you do right and it can make you do wrong”. I just dismissed him and rushed off. At the time I was a young lady dating a very handsome and caring guy (or so I thought) and couldn’t see how in anyway love could make me do wrong. Apart from occasional sex, which was fine with me since everyone was doing it, I thought we were a match made in heaven.

I was madly in love with Jim (not real name) when I was 22 and about to complete my university education. My friends always told me how lucky I was to have a guy like him and I believed them. During my final year at university, I got pregnant and I told my girlfriends. They advised me to talk to Jim.

 

When I told Jim, he didn’t seem bothered at all and promised to support me till I gave birth. After one month, Jim told me that we had to abort the baby. I was in utter shock and disbelief because it is the last thing I expected him to tell me. He convinced me that we were too young to raise a baby, we had no financial muscle and his parents might chase him away or stop paying for his tuition.

 

I loved him so much and didn’t want to lose him. After thinking about it, I decided to give in to his demand and he promised never to leave my side; how stupid was I? He looked for money quickly and we started on our journey. A friend of his had made all the arrangements at the clinic. 

 

The day after we arrived we went to the clinic, talked to a nice lady behind the counter who assured me that I was making the right choice. We paid her and I entered the doctor’s room which was filled with all types of metallic equipment that I almost run back but I had promised my boyfriend that for the sake of his future I would do it. 

The problem was solved quickly and nobody at home found out. However, as soon as we got back, Jim disappeared. The person who was supposed to be my rock had abandoned me, I told my friends and they told me to be strong because it seemed as though Jim had moved on to better things. I tried to get in touch with him but he never picked my calls or replied to my emails and later sent me a text message informing me that he had helped me with all my problems and it was time to let go. 

My heart was shattered, my world crumbled in front of my eyes and the long journey of agony, guilt and depression had just begun. My friends left me, I cried myself to bed every night and I couldn’t sleep. I tried taking sleeping pills with liquor but the experience I was going through was too strong for the pills and liquor. I had no one to talk to and I could even tell my father. To make matters worse, I’m an only child.

Every time I would see a baby, my heart would break in half. I constantly had nightmares that worsened by the day and the good dreams - the kind where you are playing with your child on the bed, laughing with him/her, only to wake up. It’s the worst torment anyone can go through. 

The most agonizing part came approximately eight months after I had aborted – that was supposed to be my due date. Today, my child would have been five years old. 

As told to Dean Karemera

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