I honestly love my boyfriend and there are days when I actually see us spending the rest of our lives together.
The problem is we argue a lot though we get over it real fast. I don’t want to fight or argue anymore because it is ruining what we have.
I love him with every ounce of life in me. What do I do to solve my problem? I try ignoring him sometimes but then it builds up and that isn’t good. I really need help on how I can solve this.
Fights are good
Constantly getting into fights can be a good thing because you can see each other at your worst. You can see each other’s reaction under pressure or when stressed.
What matters is the effect the fights have on you and how much they soil your relationship. If you are always picking fights over small matters, it is of little benefit to your relationship. But if after the ‘fights’ you learn more about each other and emerge stronger having understood one’s character better, you are on track.
It is said that good things are put to test and emerge stronger and refined; your love life is being put to the test and will possibly emerge better.
Couples that don’t have fights have no way of finding out more about each other or accessing each other at their worst moments.
Use it as an opportunity to learn more on each other; don’t break each other’s appendages.
Collins, 26, is married
You are not ‘hearing each other’
The reason you are fighting is because you ‘aren’t hearing’ each other. When you feel like you are not being heard, you shout louder, which only creates anger and less listening!
So, here’s a little tip to get you started with the journey to a more friendly relationship. Communicate. Listen. Be calm because screaming about how he hurt you could cause another argument. So try to avoid screaming or yelling of any kind. Talk about what was said or done and how it made you feel.
One other thing to note, don’t point fingers when talking about what hurt you. So instead of saying, ‘I felt angry when you called me names,’ instead say, ‘When I am called names, I feel angry.’ It makes him understand it better.
When you are cool while presenting what troubles you, your partner listens more and it creates a calm environment.
Patrick, 22, is in a stable relationship
Talk things through
No matter how mature your relationship is, fights are irresistible at sometimes. The best way to reduce the friction is to try to communicate the problem or what usually sparks off the arguments - politely. If there is something really troubling you, then instead of fighting, sit down and sort out it out calmly.
Do not let your temper take charge of your mind. Do not raise your voice; emotional outbursts are bound to happen in relationships but it is up to you to let your emotions rule you or not.
Always be willing to forgive. Forgiveness is the key to getting over your fights. Even if you know that your partner made a mistake, forgiving will not harm your ego. If the clashes between the two of you are really awful then you must seek help from friends or family.
Martin, 29, is single