Which of these women can liberate your love life most effectively?

It has been a week of liberations. The so-called ‘tiny’ Rwanda is ironically paired with the “mighty US” on the liberation day calendar. Did you even ever imagine that Obama’s ancestors—the ones in America, not Kenya—were colonised and had to fight with their blood to see away British exploitation? Well, things happened.
Jacobs O. Seaman
Jacobs O. Seaman

It has been a week of liberations. The so-called ‘tiny’ Rwanda is ironically paired with the “mighty US” on the liberation day calendar. Did you even ever imagine that Obama’s ancestors—the ones in America, not Kenya—were colonised and had to fight with their blood to see away British exploitation? Well, things happened.

And talking of happening, Mohammed Morsi can tell a vivid description of how the Egyptians have liberated themselves from his Brotherhood pretentious yoke.

As we celebrate Liberation Day, I have been at a dire crossroad. In fact, I would first invoke Kwesi Brew’s poem to get us started. In his acclaimed poem, The Mesh, the Ghanaian shows the dilemma of choosing love. The poem goes:
 
We have come to the cross-roads
And I must either leave or come with you.
I lingered over the choice
But in the darkness of my doubts
You lifted the lamp of love
And I saw in your face
The road that I should take.
 
I’m at a crossroad, too. With the desire to get liberated in love, I need to know which of these types of women would be more effective at defeating the genocidal elements straining my heart.
 
The taxi-moto type
These ones are spies. They know all the corners of their jurisdiction. You can’t hide anything in the house and he won’t find it in a second. In fact, by the time you keep something, she will have known. Security agents (read: your enemies) use their skills to tap into things. The taxi-moto type can say exactly who passed where and when, plus how long a cheating man spent in a nearby lady-on-ARVs house.

Chances of liberating you: 1/10
 
The tout type
Touts are chaps who wait for taxis at roadside stage or even in the taxi park and canvass passengers in exchange for tips. They are attention-seekers and can be as annoying as Egyptian protesters when you are the president—just ask Mubarak and Morsi. The tout type of a spouse will talk like their vocal chords are automated. These guys behave like they know everyone in the world. They call whoever is a potential passenger all sorts of names from uncle, auntie, baby… Marry this type and your post-mortem report will show that you died of concentrated jealousy pangs.
Chances of liberating you: 0/10
 
The helmet type
Helmets are very protecting gear. During a crash, your delicate head is safe when improvised with a helmet. These types are very jealous. Like a helmet restricts your view of many things while you are riding on a taxi-moto, a helmet lover will never allow you to admire any other person, let alone praising or flirting with them. You are in essence a prisoner of your own love life.
Chances of liberation: For benefit of doubt, helmets protect us from infections associated with roving sexual behaviour. They are like condoms. 4/10
 
The conveyer type

They are these guys that sit in the taxi and take money, guide your journey, alerts conductor about where you are alighting, etc. A love that comes in this form is only interested in money. They can even forget you told them where you are alighting because their minds will be on collecting fares. A lover of this type can leave the baby crying while she is doing make-up.
Chances of liberation: 2/10
 
The Morsi type

Now you know sometimes situations call for attention. If you get starved like Egyptians, your partner should not wait for ultimatums before serving you. Unfortunately, the Morsi type are strange. They will dilly-dally around with serious situations. Even when you invoke the military stance and issue them with a 48-hour deadline to sort things out, they will go about with other things as if the beans in the pot is not turning into charcoal in the kitchen. So, when you are meeting elders, clergies, in-laws and people who matter, that’s when the Morsi type will begin to see that you weren’t bluffing and admit concession. By then, it would be minutes to Gen. al-Sisi’s coup.
Chances of liberation: 3/10

So, like Kwesi Brews dilemma in The Mesh, some of our lovers just make things hard. We want flexibility, they choose the opposite. But when life gives you lemons, you can lace it with salt to make it sweet. Go figure out how.

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