Ernest Bazanye

Kylie Jenner criticised for being ‘Kylie Jenner’

Kylie Jenner has a pair of chopsticks worth $450 dollars that she showed followers on Instagram recently. As a result of this display, a deluge of condemnation and denouncements have fallen upon the girl, angry and furious scolding from the ‘outrage addicts on social media’. Let me...

Friday, March 27, 2020, 12:00 AM

Adulting: A guide to getting yourself together

Adulting. That is what men and women in their twenties call this miserable business of taking on the obligations that come after your childhood, when you no longer have the option to go crying to mummy because people were mean to you, or because you want chocolate or because the world is not...

Friday, March 20, 2020, 12:00 AM

Hollywood is closed

Showbiz is closed until further notice. Along with sports, concerts, opera and ‘The Daily Show’, they are shutting down the release of movies to cinemas in a bid to stem the spread of the Covid-19 virus. I don’t mean to be morbid but imagine if there was a movie about a...

Friday, March 20, 2020, 12:00 AM

The Simple Explanation: No time to watch James Bond

His name is Bond. James Bond. And his film is poned. Post poned. ‘No Time to Die’, the James Bond movie that was supposed to come out in April this year, has been pushed to a November release date. Daniel Craig, current star of the franchise, is not only upset about this delay, but...

Friday, March 13, 2020, 12:00 AM

The Simple Explanation: The return of Macaulay Culkin

Macaulay Culkin is going to be in the next season of ‘American Horror Story’ and the old people are so excited about this, they are popping their frail hips. Their gray hairs are standing on end with glee. Their diapers cannot handle the load upsurge. Meanwhile, the younger ones are...

Friday, March 6, 2020, 12:00 AM

The Simple Explanation: Why Rihanna is too ‘fly’ for a boyfriend

Rihanna and her former boyfriend split up. She dumped the dude. I see from the way your eyebrow is twitching that you are preparing to ask, in a not-too-slightly sneering tone, “Which one?” because she has been attached to and detached from at least three dudes over the past few...

Friday, February 28, 2020, 12:00 AM

Dealing with ‘the guest who won’t leave’

Visitors are like heat, smells and cockroaches. If you have a nice house, they will show up sometimes. A moderate amount of heat can be welcome and enjoyable. A fragrance from the kitchen can be tantalising and pleasant. A cockroach, not often but we can’t rule out the possibility, can be...

Friday, February 28, 2020, 12:00 AM

The Simple Explanation: The return of ‘Brannifer’

Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston have been seen together in acts that can be described, if not as actual, definitive canoodling, then as parts of the processes that eventually lead to canoodling. What is going on? Why are these two en route to canoodling at this, of all times? Let me attempt to...

Friday, February 21, 2020, 12:00 AM

Carpool Karaoke lies!

James Corden is an inoffensive, sufficiently amusing, blonde, smiley potato of a man regularly found on YouTube hosting that series of clips called ‘Carpool Karaoke’, itself a segment of his TV show. In ‘Carpool Karaoke’ he pretends he is picking up a celebrity to share a...

Friday, February 14, 2020, 12:00 AM

How a ‘hater’ survives Valentine’s Day

This world is full of lies. Lies everywhere. There are so many lies around us that you don’t even know if I’m lying when I say that the world is full of lies, but ironically, that is the truest statement of this article. The world is filled with lies and the most pernicious of them...

Friday, February 14, 2020, 12:00 AM

The Simple Explanation: JLo and Shakira ‘too sexy for the Super Bowl’?

Jennifer Lopez and Shakira performed at the Super Bowl last week, to great acclaim, great reception, and some controversy. “The what bowl?” you ask, being an East African with better things to pay attention to than America’s bastardization of rugby and its vulgar violation of...

Friday, February 7, 2020, 12:00 AM

What’s wrong with the Grammys

The Grammys is or are an annual ceremony held in America that allegedly recognises and rewards the best musicians of that year. Stars from various genres, pop mostly, but also jazz, classical, “world music” (which is basically music that isn’t made in the American format) spend...

Friday, January 31, 2020, 12:00 AM

The Simple Explanation: Why flop artist will Smith is still a star

One thing that is really hard to explain to young adults today is Will Smith. As far as the Zed generation and millennials are concerned, Smith is just this guy who keeps making really big fat movie flops ­— over and over again, as if he is a nimbus cloud raining flops on our heads....

Friday, January 24, 2020, 12:00 AM

The Simple Explanation: Prince Harry and Meghan step down

Prince Harry quit his job? How can a senior royal quit their job? They are senior royals; they are already unemployed! Unemployed people can’t quit jobs! Let me explain. The British Royal family used to rule a massive global empire, but have since waned in influence to this small cabal...

Friday, January 17, 2020, 12:00 AM

The Simple Explanation: Tyler Perry can’t write women

Tyler Perry is weathering backlash from the latest trailer for his latest upcoming film project ‘Fall from Grace’. Criticism and controversy ring through the air. I would like to explain why. I have not watched said trailer myself, for a few good reasons. The first is that one of the...

Friday, January 10, 2020, 12:00 AM

The Simple Explanation: Why did Timberlake apologise for holding hands?

Justin Timberlake was photographed holding hands with Alisha Wainwright, co-star in his upcoming movie Palmer, like him, her, and a group of others sat on a balcony. After this photograph, he posted a social media apology that sounded more fitting if he had been caught slitting her throat, not just...

Friday, January 3, 2020, 12:00 AM

Resolutions: Let’s make it easier this time

Another three hundred and sixty-five and a fraction days of accumulated regrets, failures, mistakes and missed shots is complete, guys. You are older, weaker, more decrepit, more scarred and jaded. You are less attractive, bitterer, worse for wear in most ways. And yet you feel the need to...

Friday, January 3, 2020, 12:00 AM

The Simple Explanation: Why Jay-Z stole a phone

First of all, let’s establish that I am not going to call this man Diddy. I call him Sean Puffy Combs. I am too old for this nonsense of changing your name every time the wind blows a different fart out of your trousers. When I first met him he was Sean Puffy Combs, and so if he wants to be...

Friday, December 27, 2019, 1:03 AM

How to survive the office end-of-year party

The annual end of year Christmas office party is a corporate tradition wherein the staff get together to celebrate the achievements of another year in an informal, friendly way. Meaning lots of free food and alcohol. The office party is a minefield. Don’t trust the flashy graphics in the...

Sunday, December 22, 2019, 12:00 AM

The Simple Explanation: Why is Eminem still dissing Mariah?

Remember the other week when we explained how Eminem is re-releasing his first hit album because he is a jerk? Remember how some of you dismissed my explanation as the uncultured, uncouth, ill-considered rants of a bitter old man (just because I said Eminem was an uncultured, uncouth, bitter old...

Friday, December 20, 2019, 12:00 AM