Ernest Bazanye

What is a social media influencer?

There are many questions we need to ask about social media influencers. These include, why, who, what.  The second most important question you need to ask about social media influencers is “why”. The most important one is “why in the name of all that is blistered and...

Friday, June 19, 2020, 12:00 AM

What’s up with lunch?

Today we shall begin by offering the grandest congratulations to Blackhorn who, following his retirement from the herd, transitioned to a second career that was to prove very successful — a career as a series of excellent steaks and samosas. Blackhorn’s services in this regard provided...

Friday, June 5, 2020, 12:00 AM

The blue ticks

Let’s talk about blue ticks for a moment. If it is just one, then it is a tiny insect parasite that leapt off a stray dog you wandered too close to, and is about to either make you a superhero or anaemic. But when they come in pairs you have an even bigger problem. The what and when: Two...

Friday, May 29, 2020, 12:00 AM

What’s up with eggs?

Let’s talk about eggs for a moment. Shall we? I suggest we start by balancing the pros and cons. Pro: The strength of an egg The egg’s most underrated pro is, of course, what a marvel of geometric engineering it is. The egg is shaped in what seems like a squashed sphere, but...

Friday, May 22, 2020, 12:00 AM

Kanye West the billionaire

Forbes Magazine, that world-famous roll call of rich people, whose most popular activity is checking other people’s pockets and announcing what they find there, the magazine most known for counting other people’s money, the foremost global minders of other people’s business,...

Friday, May 1, 2020, 12:00 AM

Housemates: What to consider

Many people make the mistake of thinking that a housemate is someone with whom you live and share household costs. That, my friend, is how you got into this mess in the first place. Now half of you are sick of your housemates and can’t wait for lockdown to be over so that you can move out...

Friday, May 1, 2020, 12:00 AM

Neymar’s new ‘little stepdad’

Neymar’s mum is dating the cook’s ex-boyfriend. Wait, what? Let me explain. Neymar, also known as Neymar Jr, but apparently not known by any of his several other names (Neymar da Silva Santos Júnior is the whole driving permit) is the world’s most expensive football player,...

Friday, April 24, 2020, 12:00 AM

Life when no one is watching

Working from home, locked away from the judging eyes of society, means living as if no one is looking. We are free to let loose and be ourselves. Is that a good thing? Because from the looks of some of us, ourselves is not a very pleasant sight. Look at you, for example. You’re a mess. You...

Friday, April 24, 2020, 12:00 AM

Kylie J does it again

Kylie Jenner is the world’s youngest self-made billionaire for the second year running according to the rich people compilers Forbes, the final word in counting other people’s money. Kylie made the list because, even though she made the billion out of money she already had courtesy...

Friday, April 17, 2020, 12:00 AM

How about a personality quiz?

Today is not Friday. It is Thursday. This whole year, until further notice is Thursday. Every day of the lockdown is going to be Thursday. It’s not going to be Friday until WHO announces that the vaccine will be “ready soon”. Then we can sing the Friday song: “Freedom is...

Friday, April 17, 2020, 12:00 AM

Explain this, Drake

It really really really isn’t great to be Drake, my friends. Let me explain. Aubrey Drake Graham is a rich and famous rap star. He is a young man whose talents have given the world multiple albums of brilliant music and given him, in turn, droves of fans, massive accolades and, we can...

Friday, April 3, 2020, 12:00 AM

Kylie Jenner criticised for being ‘Kylie Jenner’

Kylie Jenner has a pair of chopsticks worth $450 dollars that she showed followers on Instagram recently. As a result of this display, a deluge of condemnation and denouncements have fallen upon the girl, angry and furious scolding from the ‘outrage addicts on social media’. Let me...

Friday, March 27, 2020, 12:00 AM

Hollywood is closed

Showbiz is closed until further notice. Along with sports, concerts, opera and ‘The Daily Show’, they are shutting down the release of movies to cinemas in a bid to stem the spread of the Covid-19 virus. I don’t mean to be morbid but imagine if there was a movie about a...

Friday, March 20, 2020, 12:00 AM

Adulting: A guide to getting yourself together

Adulting. That is what men and women in their twenties call this miserable business of taking on the obligations that come after your childhood, when you no longer have the option to go crying to mummy because people were mean to you, or because you want chocolate or because the world is not...

Friday, March 20, 2020, 12:00 AM

The Simple Explanation: No time to watch James Bond

His name is Bond. James Bond. And his film is poned. Post poned. ‘No Time to Die’, the James Bond movie that was supposed to come out in April this year, has been pushed to a November release date. Daniel Craig, current star of the franchise, is not only upset about this delay, but...

Friday, March 13, 2020, 12:00 AM

The Simple Explanation: The return of Macaulay Culkin

Macaulay Culkin is going to be in the next season of ‘American Horror Story’ and the old people are so excited about this, they are popping their frail hips. Their gray hairs are standing on end with glee. Their diapers cannot handle the load upsurge. Meanwhile, the younger ones are...

Friday, March 6, 2020, 12:00 AM

Dealing with ‘the guest who won’t leave’

Visitors are like heat, smells and cockroaches. If you have a nice house, they will show up sometimes. A moderate amount of heat can be welcome and enjoyable. A fragrance from the kitchen can be tantalising and pleasant. A cockroach, not often but we can’t rule out the possibility, can be...

Friday, February 28, 2020, 12:00 AM

The Simple Explanation: Why Rihanna is too ‘fly’ for a boyfriend

Rihanna and her former boyfriend split up. She dumped the dude. I see from the way your eyebrow is twitching that you are preparing to ask, in a not-too-slightly sneering tone, “Which one?” because she has been attached to and detached from at least three dudes over the past few...

Friday, February 28, 2020, 12:00 AM

The Simple Explanation: The return of ‘Brannifer’

Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston have been seen together in acts that can be described, if not as actual, definitive canoodling, then as parts of the processes that eventually lead to canoodling. What is going on? Why are these two en route to canoodling at this, of all times? Let me attempt to...

Friday, February 21, 2020, 12:00 AM

Carpool Karaoke lies!

James Corden is an inoffensive, sufficiently amusing, blonde, smiley potato of a man regularly found on YouTube hosting that series of clips called ‘Carpool Karaoke’, itself a segment of his TV show. In ‘Carpool Karaoke’ he pretends he is picking up a celebrity to share a...

Friday, February 14, 2020, 12:00 AM

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