Why Harry and Meghan should not move to ‘Africa’

Harry, Meghan and their kid are coming to Africa. Should you feel scared? Yes. Let me explain

First, let us meet the players. Harry is the first one. Do not make the common mistake many of us succumb to of mixing him up with the most famous British person named ‘Harry’. This one is not an undergrad student of ‘Juju’ (sorcery). That’s Harry Potter, who is fictional and therefore ineligible for visa.

This Harry, is the UK’s Prince Harry, Duke of Sussex who will one day be King of what is left of England after the combined forces of Brexit-inspired recession and climate change resource conflict spark off a new Balkan war in the UK itself.

Meghan, his wife, the Duchess of Sussex, is a former television star from America where she is known for acting as a lawyer in a show called ‘Suits’.

My research department has handed me a brief on her character in ‘Suits’. It is empty. Unfortunately, ‘Suits’ was a legal drama which centered on the personal and professional drama in their lives. It had no Kung Fu and no superpowers, no dragons and no white-walkers so they didn’t bother to watch more than two minutes in.

The third character, their baby, is yet to join us.

While having tea and marmite by the Thames shooting some B-Ball outside the pool or whatever princes do, Harry and Meghan got the idea of travelling to Africa with their newborn and staying here for a couple of years.

No big deal. English people often decide to take trips to Africa. It happens so often that we turned it into an industry. We called it tourism. English chaps show up, we point the gorillas to them, they are so impressed they dump their Euros all over us and everyone is happy. Except the gorillas, who never get their cut.

The difference here is that Harry is from the British royal family, people have shown certain habits in the past when it comes to Africa.

CNN (just for irony’s sake we chose to not use the BBC report) says they are “considering moving to Africa for the two to three years after the baby is born”.

Africa is not a country, so that makes this vague. We are not sure where they mean to move to, but we have guesses.

There are 19 countries in Africa which are former colonies, meaning nations which kicked them out half a century ago and make a huge deal about the anniversary of their eviction. Independence Day is what they call it.

We are not so sure how it would look for a prince to just saunter back in and buy a plot of land there.

Which means they could come to a nation they didn’t colonise. Like Rwanda.

On the one hand this could seem like a great idea. Rich family which is not just rich family but one of the wealthiest in the world comes to town, it can be a great boost to the economy. They will of course bring in a lot of money and employment opportunities.

But there are downsides. One is that they will be accompanied by their UK national security services, the ones that look after the royal family. Which means not just bodyguards, but MI6, the intelligence agency.

If you have watched any James Bond movies recently you understand that when MI6 agents are in town STI infections run amok, and there is massive public property damage from reckless driving in car chases, street shootouts and fights in which heavy Russian men get thrown out of shop windows into the street.

And that is not the worst part.

Prince Harry of soon-to-be the former United Kingdom, and Meghan the Duchess of Sussex, plus ‘little DeShawn’ (because the royals are being tight lipped about the name of the child, we have to make do with guesses) will also be followed by hordes of some of the vilest, foulest, most repulsive creatures that Britain has ever bred. Things so grotesque and morally deformed that they don’t even have hearts—they store their emotions in their rectums. I refer, of course, to the tabloid journalists and paparazzi.

These people will inevitably follow the Prince and Duchess and their baby. Are you sure you want that in your country?

No African wants that. Not even the gorillas.

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