First of all, let’s establish that I am not going to call this man Diddy. I call him Sean Puffy Combs. I am too old for this nonsense of changing your name every time the wind blows a different fart out of your trousers. When I first met him he was Sean Puffy Combs, and so if he wants to be Puff Daddy, P. Diddy, Diddy, Dicotyledon, Deduction, Diana whatever, he can call himself that. I can’t. Now, to the article. Sean Puffy Combs held a birthday party earlier this month. It was a blast! It was lit! You weren’t there? You missed. Did you at least see the photos? Well, you didn’t see all of them, because one particular photo of Beyoncé dancing was brutally censored away. Let me explain. Jay-Z was filmed snatching a smartphone away from someone trying to take a photo of Beyoncé. Like, “You trippin’ out here, son.. You finna catch a cap, homie. Gimme dat dere phone. Ain’t nobady takin’ no photos a’ Bey all up in here. Brooklyn! Hah!” Is what I imagine him saying as he executed a ninja-swipe that in a nanosecond dispossessed the unidentified dude of his phone. Beyoncé, the world’s greatest living popstar and currently ranking at number 34 on the UNICEF index of sexiest non-indigenous African women alive was dancing at the party while her husband, the fifty-year-old Jay-Z, was doing what fifty-year-old men do at parties; drinking, loitering, feeling uncomfortable, just wanting to go home, but being unable to because wifey is still having a great time, and probably feeling a bit insecure about said wifey because she is the hottest woman at any party she attends (outside Africa). That was when he spotted someone with a smartphone attempt to take a photo or video of her. It was uncanny how swiftly he moved. In a fragment of a second the phone was in Jay-Z’s hand. Jay-Z often brags about how he used to be a drug dealing criminal, selling crack cocaine and being an accessory to attempted murders, extortions and racketeering enterprises, but this video shows that if none of that was true, he certainly, without doubt would have made an excellent phone thief. Jay-Z can steal your phone from you, while you are holding it, while you are using it, in less than a second. Now the question of why he would take the phone is what we must grapple with: The Carters are notoriously controlling about their public image; what news, photos, and videos about them get into the public eye are carefully curated. So maybe he didn’t want footage of Beyoncé dancing to be released to the social media without their joint authorisation, in case she was off beat or her wig was loose. But if this was the case, how come he didn’t snatch the phone of the person who shot the video of him snatching the phone of the person he snatched the phone from in the video of him snatching the phone? Wait. Gimme a minute to recover from that paragraph. Okay. I’m fine now. Let’s continue. This is my theory, which explains the whole thing perfectly:The question is not why would Jay-Z snatch some guy’s phone at Puffy Combs’ birthday party? The real question is why would a person at Puffy Combs’ party be taking clandestine unsanctioned videos of Beyoncé dancing? This is Sean Puffy Combs’ party. Everyone there, presumably, is already famous and rich and powerful enough to make the guest list, and, therefore, not likely to be star struck by the celebs there — everyone there should be so famous, rich and powerful that they are blasé about the whole thing. Their phones should already be full of selfies with stars, if not at other parties, then on yachts and Vegas tables and at VIP sections of Grammy, Oscar and NBA events. Unless it wasn’t a person rich, famous, et cetera, from the guest list. It was a ‘fluker’. It was a gate crasher. It was a tabloid spy who snuck into the party to capture footage of the stars in positions that could be used to compromise their images. The mistake was that this was a grossly incompetent tabloid hack who didn’t know that a) Beyoncé’s image cannot be compromised because she is perfect and b) Jay-Z is a ninja phone-snatcher.
