Remember the other week when we explained how Eminem is re-releasing his first hit album because he is a jerk? Remember how some of you dismissed my explanation as the uncultured, uncouth, ill-considered rants of a bitter old man (just because I said Eminem was an uncultured, uncouth, bitter old man ranting ill-considerably?) Well, now I am back with proof. Because Eminem has released new music and it’s very jerky. Eminem had a verse on another rappers song, in which he said some rude things about his ex-girlfriend Mariah Carey and her husband. As a result, Nick Cannon, formerly Mr Mariah, has released a couple of songs insulting back. Let me explain how this all started. Why is a 47-year-old still trash talking his ex in public? Moreover an ex from 18 whole years ago? Let me explain. I cannot claim that what follows is factual, but when you look at the facts and extrapolate, you will come to the same conclusion as I did, that this is the best theory there is. So, Eminem and Mariah Carey allegedly dated around 2002. Back when both were still hot stars. Mariah claims it never got serious and that they only hung out a few times. “I don’t consider that dating,” she said. Since then, from 2002 up to December 2019 Eminem has been talking about it in song after song after song. It doesn’t make sense, of course. Why would a grown man act like a spurned college kid for so many years? Why is he so obsessed with her? Here’s the theory. So, Eminem was a notorious misogynist, right? And a bully. He was always taking cheap shots at easy pop music targets, and especially at female stars. The reason for this is probably that he had been bullied and scorned and spurned all his life until then, and now that he had the power and money he figured it was his time to do the bullying. So he went all out. Relished in it. Revelled in it. “Yes! Manic laughter! Finally, the tables are turned, world and society! Now who’s the bully! Hah hah!” is all I heard when Eminem did another lyric about famous women. So, I theorise that there was a meeting in a club in Atlanta one night where a few R&B, rock, pop, TV and movie stars were sharing drinks when it came up that someone has to take Eminem down a notch. All the ladies present agreed. Mariah, who was among them said, “Don’t worry, sistas. I gat dis.” So she called Eminem who, like all bullies, was secretly a weak soul, anxious and timid and easy to manipulate, and he capitulated. She proceeded to make him show up on dates where she would spend the entire time on the phone talking to other people; make him take her to the club then have him hold her handbag and her fur coat then disappear into the crowd for hours; get him to agree to be her plus one at boring family functions and then, when he shows up, she doesn’t, and he is left there being embarrassed; and generally do all sorts of trashy things to him. Then, after a few of months of this, she dumped him on the 2002 version of Facebook. I think it was called Myspace book. I don’t remember. But she dumped him. And just left him deflated, humiliated and bewildered. He had thought he was a powerful bully, but this just exposed him for the vulnerable little boy he really was. And 20 years later, he is still the same little wuss and every time he sees Mariah he is reminded of that fact. Then Mariah, Britney, Aguilera, Shakira, and all the other hot stars of the day met for another drink up, this time at La Bebouche on Rodeo Drive in LA and toasted to his agony, leaving him to stew in agony for the next two decades.
