The Simple Explanation: The Spice Girls return

The Spice Girls just concluded their latest reunion tour! Oh wonder of wonders, oh gasp of amazement, oh cheer of delight!

This is the call that has reverberated throughout the ‘pop-mosphere’ as we will laboriously call the atmosphere of popular culture news. You want to know what the big deal is? Here is the simple explanation.

Let us begin with what the, who is and how do.

The Spice Girls are a small troupe of hooligans who came to prominence in the late 90s after a video was publicised featuring them stomping into an upscale London restaurant, trashing the place, and ruining dinner for the elderly patrons therein, all the while chanting Wachuwan wachuwillywillywan.

This chant, their Spice Girl anthem, quickly became a worldwide pop music hit, seeing as it was catchy and danceable and extremely fun to listen to. Bear in mind that it was 1996 so there was nothing better to do.

Beyoncé was still in group stages, Tupac was dead, and Naija music was yet to reach East Africa due the fact that there were only like 4MBs of internet in Africa at the time, so this thug quintet easily took the position of foremost performers of popular music worldwide.

No, they were no good. They could not sing. They were awful singers. They were dreadful at singing. No, no, not at all. Please don’t think they could. They could not.

However, 1996 was a watershed year in pop music by untalented people. It was the year when they came into fashion. Today this type of musician thrives, mostly seen, or rather heard, in the genre of hip hop.

If you follow young Americans with face tattoos, hair dyed pink and names beginning with the prefix “lil” you will note that they often murmur about drug abuse for three and a half minutes at a time, sounding very silly, annoying and unpleasant, and yet earning great acclaim.

This is the perfect time for the Spice Girls to come back and show these youngsters how bad singing is done the good old-fashioned way.

Much like Lil Poop, Lil Tissue, Lil Woozie Dirt and ilk, the Spice Girls each took on a separate moniker, beginning with the word “spice”, as follows: Ginger Spice, Sporty Spice, Posh Spice, Baby Spice, Other Spice…

They were also known as Unnecessarily Aggressive Spice, Negligible Spice, Suspiciously Alt-Right-seeming Spice, Felony-in-waiting Spice, Renegade Spice, Agricultural Spice, Irritable Spice-- It really depended largely on who you asked.

What was consistent was that they were the top music act in pop music for that era and, because of that, they broke up. Breaking up was one of the two main activities that top music acts were known for in that era. Two things. In this order: Hits and splits.

Short lived solo careers followed and came to an end with the nineties themselves. Spice Girls were consigned to that place where we keep all the things we were embarrassed to admit because they were so corny. We turned the century, created Adele and begun to listen to quality singing.

It was 22 years ago. That’s a whole adult. That is an entire education from primary school to university degree. That is a marriage, kids, infidelity, threat of divorce, agreement to just stay together for the sake of the kids, cold-shouldered detente, the kids finally leaving home, the sigh of relief and freedom.

That’s a complete jail sentence for a violent crime.

That is enough time for the haters to forget how much scorn we spewed at the Spice Girls and come to accept them as an integral part of a time in our lives we had fond memories of, as a time when the world was younger, freer and more fun.

A time when talking trash about pop music and then going ahead to listen to and dance to that same music as common and as simple as… saying zigazigha, a Spice Girl lyric that meant nothing and nobody even cared to ask why, but which epitomised the Spice ethos.

The Spice Girls never took themselves too seriously; neither did we, and that is why they were so much fun.

The Spice Girls reunion final concert was attended and enjoyed by people who were smitten teen fans when the first wave of Spice Girl Mania swept the world. Now they have teens of their own.

The Spice Girls themselves have children, have varied careers as TV presenters (That Mel B from The Voice? She’s one of them. That Victoria Beckham the fashion designer? Also one of them. Busy with her fashion line and unable to make the reunion.)

They are adults now, just like their fans. Who, and this is actually true, include Adele herself who has been a super fan since she was 10 years old. She posted an Instagram pic from the concert with the thrilled caption, “I cried, laughed, screamed, danced” and, “It’s no secret how much I love them.”