The Simple Explanation: Prince Harry and Meghan step down

Prince Harry quit his job? How can a senior royal quit their job? They are senior royals; they are already unemployed! Unemployed people can’t quit jobs!

Let me explain.

The British Royal family used to rule a massive global empire, but have since waned in influence to this small cabal of out-of-date relics that subsists off legacy.

Like Jay-Z, there is no point to them anymore, but the fans keep them around just for the sake of what they used to be.

Same thing with the royal family. The international media industry complex assumes they still are a big relevant deal and that we need to pay attention to them.

Except that there is really nothing remarkable to see — if you want to voyeur into the lives of the rich and entertaining, you already have the Kardashians, the Real Housewives of Everywhere and Fifty Cent.

As a result, the “journalists” who cover the UK Royal Family are stuck with the unenviable job of having nothing to say about something that does not have anything about which to be said but having to say something nevertheless.

So obviously, they say, what the teacher who failed me in my O’ Level literature called “A lot of nothing”.

It used to be fawning, over-loving puff pieces, full of flowery phrasing. To convince us that the people we were reading about were worth reading about they would have to make them sound like superhuman or demigods. We would be sold 8,000 words about Princess Diana’s hairstyle: a dozen words per follicle.

Then the millennium turned nasty. Social media showed that mean spirits and bitter tongues get more currency in the algorithm, and so the vultures came out and also started on sniping at the royals.

Prince Harry, one of them, fell in love and got married. The distinguishing factor was that he married a black American woman. This is not, in itself, unique behaviour. Very very very many people marry black American women. But somehow it stood out as a thing the vultures could pick on.

And they did. Voraciously. Viciously. With such virulent glee that they would even have something catty to say about Markle having the audacity to cradle her own baby bump.

“I find the cradling a bit like … Virtue signaling, as though the rest of us barren harridans deserve to burn alive in our cars,” sneered the Daily Mail, for example, in January 2019.

I mean, what the?

The meanness got to be too much for two regular human beings, which is what royals are, regardless of the hoopla and, like anyone else would, they decided to quit and go to Canada. Here is a probable transcript of what was maybe said.

Harry: Prithee do tell, my sweet marigold, what assails thy fair head this morn?

Megan: The media round here be tripping, bae! These newspapers outchea dissing me talking all this trash!

Harry: These vile curs! These low vermin! Upon my word! I shall lay waste to them with my sword!

Megan: Waiddaminite, bae. I know you my husband and you gon ride for me but I ain’t ask you to stab nobody. Ain’t no need for no sword stuff.

Harry: Whatsoever else shalt I do? I’ll do as my ancestors and orchestrate a series of assassinations then ascend to the throne. Once king I shall abolish democracy, return Britain to a true monarchy call all these tabloid hacks into the royal court and off with their heads! Huzzah!

Megan: Aight, boo, you need to like chill, aight? Dial it down a lil bit, back up a coupla hunnid miles cos you way too deep in crazyville right know, ‘kay?

Harry: What would you have me do, my dearest periwinkle blossom? I fain would just stand by as these accursed vermin dishonour you. I must hence defend your name, for I am your husband.

Megan: We could jus get outta here. Go to Canada or somethin’. I got a jab doing some movies for Disney, you can, idonno become a substitute teacher, or wharrever...

That’s what happened. Consider it explained.

And before you start, if you have a problem with Megan speaking ebonics, ask yourself why you have a problem with Ebonics and leave me alone.

editor@newtimesrwanda.com

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