The simple explanation: Celebrity baby names

Mrs Kimberly Kardashian-West and her husband Kanye Omari West (Esq) have a new baby and they told us his name. This is why you should be conversant with the details in case your more erudite friends ask. Let’s break down the simple explanation.

The child, just born this month, is named Psalm.

Which naturally, would be both a good thing and a rather difficult thing. It’s a boy, and he is going to grow up to have to talk to prospective romantic interests in loud bars, say, “Hi. I’m Psalm West,” and begin to hit on them.

When this happens the interest will have to take time off to google him (yes, Google will still be there. Google will always be, forever and ever). The problem is, the interest will be typing in “Sam West” and will come up with a slew of other characters instead and will not realise that this is the son of two of the richest and most famous celebrities of their era. Psalm might strike out unless he writes it down.

His siblings are Saint, North and Chicago.

Yes, North West. This was the eldest and while one may be tempted to believe that the name was culled from a snarky showbiz column like this one which pokes fun at celebrities (Hey, imagine if Kanye West had kids and named them after other directions! Like South West or East West! Lol!) Kanye tends to do things that other people think are for jokes. Like… well, his whole 2018 year. It’s still hard to believe that wearing the Trump Supporters hat and kowtowing to the categorically racist president was not a Borat-style performance.

Saint West could be problematic if the child grows up to be devout, and is chosen by God for a great divine purpose, and is so successful in this that the Pope beatifies him.

When they beatify you they use your first name. So Saint West will be known as Saint Saint.

Then again, he could just become an accountant.

Chicago was named after daddy’s home city which is, indeed, Chicago, Illinois, America. Living in California (also in America) and being called somewhere else is an issue he will have to get guidance on from Brooklyn Beckham, the footballer’s son, who lives in London. I am sure they can skype it out.

Psalm may look forward to play dates at the home of Jay-Z, his daddy’s one time boss and friend, where he will meet kids with similarly problematic names. Sir Carter may lament the confusion that may arise should he join the army and have to introduce himself to his commanding officer.

“State your name, cadet!”

“Sir, Sir!”

“What?”

“My name sir, is Sir, sir!”

Again, he could just become an accountant.

But seriously, Psalm is a beautiful name for a child, and a great choice on the part of the Kardashian-Wests. It’s almost African, the way celebrities chose names for their children out of what they wish for their futures, or how they feel about them, as opposed to convention. Ask Confident Mutesi. You know she exists somewhere. She will answer you very confidently.

One day, perhaps, in the global celebrity kindergarten playground, Blue Ivy, Psalm, Saint, Sir, Egypt and Genesis (Alicia Key’s children) will be visited by the new celebrity scion who they will hear is the child of a TV star and a British prince, and be disappointed to find that his name is merely “Archie”.

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