The annual end of year Christmas office party is a corporate tradition wherein the staff get together to celebrate the achievements of another year in an informal, friendly way. Meaning lots of free food and alcohol. The office party is a minefield. Don’t trust the flashy graphics in the email attachment HR sent you. That animated emoji with the wink and the thumbs up is only trying to lure you into a false sense of security. You should be very wary because calling it an office “party” is like when they called that bloodsoaked, murder-riddled eight-year epic of treachery, death and chaos a “Game” of Thrones. Staff member, this is war. This is dangerous. You need to be prepared. Do not be that rat that got caught in the trap. Be the rat that came after the rat that got caught, when the trap was already sprung and safe. Let me advise: Don’t: Carry your phone with you. We are used to having them with us all the time, they are our perpetual companions. We use them for reading my old articles on The New Times website when we go to the toilet, as well as so many other vital and necessary day to day tasks. It’s hard to imagine a situation where the cellphone does not belong, but whether you can imagine it or not, just trust me. I will do the imagining for you. Leave the phone at home. Because phones take photos. And of all the things you must avoid at the office party, photos are the third and fourth on the list. STIs are number six on this list. It will start innocently enough. You will want to take selfies with your colleagues, or squad photos, but the next day when you are looking at them, you will notice that all of them are ruined. In the one you took with Ingabire you will see Kagabo in the background drunkenly leering at your butt. And then as you scroll through you will find that he was actually following you around. He is there in every photo you took, just hovering in the background with his straw in his mouth, sipping and leering. Yeah. Now you have to burn the phone because it contains so much creepiness you can’t even google your Bible verses on it without feeling profane. Speaking of verses: Do prepare yourself to forgive. An office party is a place where a lot of things that have been bottled up for too long are just uncorked and their contents allowed to flow loose. And this results in people getting drunk. Then they say things they would never have had the courage to say otherwise. At some point during the party someone is going to come up to you, striding violently, brandishing their finger like a sword ready to attack, and their cocktail like a shield, and if you don’t run away immediately you will soon be drenched in gin-flavoured spittle from someone slurring, “I need you to understand… And another thing… No no, I just need to get this off my chest… Is that too much to ask… I could not keep quiet about this… We cannot let such behaviour… Wonder where you get the audacity…” as they go on and on about some trivial slight they imagined came from you in March. They asked you to pass them the stapler and you pointed at another stapler that was nearer to them instead. Something like that. Don’t throw any punches, don’t snatch any wigs, don’t call anyone’s parents delinquent in their duty to raise a civilised human, because this will just escalate the situation, and it is vital to not be the one who causes the scene at the party. You must let it slide. Just attribute it to the alcohol and let it slide. If you can’t forgive, then wait until January and then start taking all the staples out of the staplers so whoever they ask for one in 2020 will make things worse. At some point during the party, the boss is going to show up and try to mingle with the staff. Said boss will probably say something they imagine is reassuring and likely to improve group morale about how we are all just a team now, and there is no boss here tonight. Said boss might even intimate that you don’t think of them as your boss that night. Just think of them ‘normally’. Do not fall for it. That is your boss. Do not forget that. That is not a human being like you, that is your boss. Bosses are not people. Bosses are bosses. Do not let your guard down in front of a creature that signs your paycheck ever! Many corpses line the road trying to become chummy with the boss. That one there, the one that doesn’t even stink anymore because the vultures of time, the hyenas of fate and the bacteria of fortune have reduced it to nothing but bleached bone and dried hide, that is the guy who took his boss at his word and started a conversation with him about Donald Trump at the last office party. A victim of his ignorance who was not taught the cardinal rule that one should never ever talk about Donald Trump to anyone who is not already trapped into liking you by a marriage certificate at least. Africans who are pro-Trump and Africans who are anti-Trump cannot coexist without an almost palpable contempt constantly simmering between them. If anyone at the party mentions Trump, just do this, say, “Donal who? Never heard of oh wait…” then pretend you have to go to the toilet. Do NOT go to the toilet. For two reasons. One is that it is always a terrible idea to go to the same toilet as a large group of people who have been drinking for a sustained period of time and secondly, because people might be ‘fooling around’ in there. Someone, finally, after keeping it in for the whole year, found the courage to tell his office crush how he feels. And it so happened that her boyfriend had annoyed her that evening by refusing to drop her off at the party because he wants to use the car, and yet it was her who put the fuel in it last, and he is so inconsiderate and so selfish, and what he doesn’t understand is that a relationship is give and take and all she does is give and all he takes is her for granted, and does he think he can just disregard her needs all the time and maybe she should also be a bit selfish, maybe she should also just act like what they have means nothing and this guy who just told her he has been in love with her all year long-- he’s kind of not bad looking and … well, you get the idea. Now there is loud copulation in the lavatories. Finally do dress inappropriately: Because you are sexy and confident and it’s not a party if you don’t bring the slayage. Merry Christmas and a Happy Bonus!
