When Diana Umurerwa got married three years ago, it so happened that their marital home was very close to her husband’s family that her mother and sisters-in-law would drop by any time they felt like. This at first wasn’t so bad, however, she later realised that it wasn’t going to end well. Her instincts were right because it wasn’t long before their privacy as newlyweds was constantly disrupted. What made matters worse was when her in-laws started meddling in their family affairs to the extent of wanting to make decisions for her and her husband. It was starting to get complicated and she knew she had to do something before her marriage was thrown in a mess. A year later, she convinced her husband to move and that’s how they started a new life somewhere far from his family. Friction with in-laws when one gets married is not uncommon. A number of couples attest to having dealt with complicated in-laws, but it’s important to consider that upon marriage, you do not commit to forever with them alone, but their families as well. Marriage is a long term commitment and one has to find ways of handling their new family in one way or another if they want their union to last and have peace, says counsellor Jessica Kayitesi. Marriage is not just a unification of two people; it’s a joining together of families, and in-laws are bound to be part of it. How they relate to you and you to them matters a lot because this relationship has the potential to strengthen or ruin your marriage, she says. Kayitesi says what’s most important is the fact that you don’t judge or come to conclusions before understanding where they are coming from. “It can really be hard to have complicated in-laws, however, the best approach to this is to endeavour to understand without judgment. After that, try to communicate with your spouse, or better, try to make things work between yourself and the in-laws,” she says. Innocent Kabera, a family counsellor, strongly believes that dealing with difficult in-laws is like dealing with difficult people in our real life situation. You’ve got to be strategic and wise about it before it ruins your marriage. We all have difficult people and situations like this in life, but the real victory is in knowing how we respond to them, he says. “You don’t need to act defensive. First of all, understand your in-laws and don’t expect to change them. This is a crucial skill in life to understand other people’s perspectives, to know that they were raised in different environments, different religions or with a different political background and cultures/customs. “The same applies to your in-laws, you need to accept them as they are. Another thing you can do is to respect their time with your spouse, just remember that no matter how old you have grown, parents still consider you a child, so they will tend to care for your spouse a lot and you have to respect that,” Kabera adds. He also recommends being honest and communicating with your partner, however, he says, you need to be diplomatic—expressing your feelings in a non-judgmental manner. “And then work as a team towards the issue and decide with your spouse that he/she will not be revealing all that is going on in your life. The key thing is to not let your in-laws know everything about you, such as your finances, relationships and your next moves,” he notes. The counsellor points out another aspect of positivity and gratitude. He explains that one can choose to show that they are grateful for their new family regardless of how they actually feel. He, however, notes that if they are being utterly abusive, it’s better to approach them and have a decent conversation expressing your concern on how things are turning out. “If the situation with your in-laws becomes worse, just let them know how you feel sincerely. And when it doesn’t work out, agree to disagree or cut down on your interactions with them,” he adds.
