Who you are as an individual doesn’t have to be different from who you are in a relationship, relationship experts advise. But this is one of the many things that are easier said than done. Maintaining individuality when in a relationship does not come easy for everyone. You want to make your partner feel loved and appreciated, doing anything in your power to be exactly who they want you to be- however, in the process, there is risk of losing yourself as an individual and the relationship at that. Counsellor Jessica Kayitesi says a number of people tend to do this thinking they are striving to make their relationship work. But the truth of the matter is they are destroying it. She notes that at times when a couple starts dating, they tend to want to adopt their partner’s hobbies, take on their favourite dishes and more. Whereas this is sweet at the beginning of a relationship, it at times causes resentment amongst couples, she says. “When you change who you are or the things you like as a person for the sake of pleasing your partner, it is a recipe for disaster,” Kayitesi says. Erin Ganza says when he had just started dating, he was awful at balancing his individuality with who he was in a relationship. He recalls a relationship that left him devastated. He wondered why his partner had broken up with him yet he had given their relationship all he had just to make her happy. “It was later that I realised how I had in fact messed up my relationship. My focus was on her and I forgot to take care of me and my needs. No one pours from an empty cup, my obsession with my ex-girlfriend turned me into a toxic boyfriend with extreme jealousy that drove her away,” he shares. Through experience, Ganza says he has now learnt that while it’s wonderful to be in love, it’s also very important to find and maintain an identity. “Know who you are way before you enter into a relationship and even after you start dating, make sure you maintain that individuality,” he advises. There has to be a ‘you’ Psychologist Leslie Becker-Phelps says you might think that truly loving someone means caring about them with all of your being – but you can’t really give all of your being to the relationship. For you to continue to love someone, there has to be a ‘you’ to do that loving. So, for the relationship to last, you must focus on your own happiness as well as theirs. This is a balancing act that can be difficult to master if you are someone who tends to lose yourself in your partner. Phelps notes that many who lose themselves in relationships do so because they get caught up in trying to connect with or earn the approval of their partner. “If you are one of those people, you may find that you are very sensitive to what poker players call “tells”. You are quick to pick up on and read meaning into even the slightest of your partner’s behaviours. However, your reading of their inner experience may not necessarily be accurate. For instance, if you notice that your partner is a bit withdrawn, you may tend towards inaccurately assuming the worst – such as lying or infidelity,” she explains. She also adds that such a person is also likely to absorb their partner’s emotions which overtake their own emotions. “As a result of your inner resources being so focused and sensitive to your partner, you may find that you have a stronger sense of your partner (though possibly inaccurate) than you do of yourself.” The psychologist hence recommends that it is important – for the sake of yourself and your relationships – that you practice focusing on yourself. Regularly ask yourself questions about your inner experience related to different areas of your life such as: What do I think? What do I feel? How do my thoughts and feelings differ from my partner? When you are discussing a situation or making a decision, you might ask for a moment to reflect before sharing your thoughts. You can do this with small decisions, such as what movie you want to see or with big discussions, such as how you feel about your partner.
