Tired of my boring marriage

Dear Counsellor,

My marriage is not working. I have tried, but it is not working. My husband is dull. My parents gave us an all-expense paid overseas trip to try and spice up our marriage. There was brief improvement while we were overseas, but we are now back to square one. He is doing well at work. However, the professional success is not transferred to our marriage. We have a daughter and my husband is a great father to her. However, with me, there is no love. I have never been unfaithful to him. I stay at work many times because I am dodging him. My father and mother acknowledge that I am in a dull marriage. However, my father wants me to stay in the marriage, for the child’s sake. I will take care of my daughter. In fact, we have a very good relationship. But, I want some happiness before I die. I want out of this marriage.

Betty
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Dear Betty,

It’s sad for a woman to feel unloved by a man who promised to love her for better or for worse. However, many times, a seemingly aloof husband isn’t actually that. It may be that his efforts to show love aren’t noticed or, are misinterpreted. You seem to be against every single thing he does and this waters down his effort. People have different personalities and your husband seems to be an introvert. This doesn’t mean your man doesn’t love you, because he may share with you his innermost concerns, and that to him is the ultimate expression of love. When a man feels misunderstood or underappreciated, he may distance himself from his family. You must strive to connect with him physically, emotionally and spiritually. He may not ‘fix’ his personality but he deserves respect. Giving him space to pursue his interests without guilt may be good too.

Every man deserves to be treated with kindness, respect and care. This can be as simple as picking interest in what he likes, or something as simple as surprising him with the meal he loves most.

This will also teach your daughter to be a good wife in the future. So, be closer to him rather than avoid him.

This shows that you love him — and that you will always uplift him and not tear him down. Your husband needs your affection and time. So make time for him every day. The closer you become, the deeper your love will grow. Make yourself a ‘rare breed’ so that life without you will be unimaginable to him.     

Evaluate the qualities that attracted you to him when you first met. He probably still has them all but you are focused only on the negative side. If your man has all the qualities of a good husband, then petty things shouldn’t make you ‘want out’. You loved him enough to marry him and so it’s your responsibility to make this work and bring back the happiness you once shared. 

Your feedback

Should Betty give up on her marriage or make it work?  
Readers offer their advice.

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Work on your marriage

You need to fix this before it’s too late, if not; there is a possibility that you may get tempted to take on a ‘partner’ outside your marriage and that is not good. I suggest you find time to talk to him. Lack of communication could be the problem.

Claudine Uwamahoro, Vendor
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Bring fun back into the marriage

It seems your husband is into vacations; so try to do things that are completely out of the ordinary. Also, bring back some of the things that you and your husband used to do when you’d just gotten married, it might be exciting. 

Jeanette Isimbi, Women activist
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Make time for each other

I suggest you take a break from your schedules and make time for each another. Have a discussion about what you can do to spice up your marriage. There should also be mutual respect and connection to avoid infidelity.

Theogene Ndayisaba, Father of three
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Share your concerns

Do not dodge him, on the contrary, use that opportunity to get closer to him, and try to enlighten him on things that he might not be aware of concerning your marriage.

Vanessa Mbabazi, House help
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Talk to a counsellor

People are different and I think your husband is the type who gets comfortable as long as the family doesn’t lack anything. You need to talk to a marriage expert, someone who can suggest ways on how to spice up your marriage.

Josiah Mupayana, Kigali resident
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