How can I crawl out of depression?

Dear Counsellor,

I have been seriously depressed for the last six years. 10 years ago, I was in a relationship with the man of my dreams. We were deeply in love. We started to live together for a few years with the intention of getting married. We even bought a small house together. However, it all started to go wrong when I did not get a formal marriage proposal and he stated that he wanted to go away and study.

He was not willing to make any commitments. I decided to end the relationship and I bought out his half of the house. He went off to study and after he graduated, he asked for another chance and we lived together again. He then dumped me for another woman and is now married. I was devastated and have been depressed since. I have not worked for the last five years. I now live with my parents but I’m still in love with this man. My parents are very supportive but they think I should talk with a psychiatrist. Will I snap out of this eventually? What should I do?

Martha
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Dear Martha

You have tolerated this man who doesn’t appreciate or value your feelings and disrespects you. You have listened to his excuses, forgiven him and re-entered the game of push and pull with him yet he clearly doesn’t value you all that much. Being dumped for someone else is a double sword: not only do you feel abandoned but also replaced by someone else and it hurts beyond belief. You’ve been injured in all ways often evoking feelings of anger, shame and self-blame. Don’t let his mistakes drain the joy, love, and spirit out of your life

You need to first accept that this man was not for you and begin to work on your healing. The sooner you accept the truth, the quicker you will begin to cure.  This man is cheap and has no love for you so you should put you focus on the open opportunities ahead of you. Actually the difference between you and him is that, he has a very dreadful character flaw of cheating and dumping genuine love and you’re kind, perfect woman with high quality of faithfulness which is supposed to be directed to the right person who deserves it. Once a cheat always a cheat and his behavior won’t stop but will obtain him corresponding rewards in future. Never pursue him to negotiate yourself- worth and accept less or else he’ll take you for grated and think you’re desperate. You’re a strong woman who deserves genuine love and your fit is out their preserving it for only you. Show him that you have the maturity to maintain a clean break and still maintain your life in good shape both physically and psychologically.  Don’t run aft
er him or try to change yourself hoping he will love you more because the chemistry is simply not there.

Several men leave their marriages for a wide variety of reasons many of which have nothing to do with their wives. Never blame yourself or think that his other woman is better. No matter how beautiful, successful or rich a woman can be, some men will always sneak out and cheat. Don’t direct any of your precious thought towards this cheat. Know the value of your worth. You deserve to settle for more and he is really less therefore delete history from your present life. If he moves on with another woman, just thank him for giving you the opportunity to find someone who really will deserve your love. You need to be treated with respect while knowing that the most important relationship in the world is the one with yourself so love yourself first. You can only reduce the length and intensity of your suffering by handling the breakup with dignity, taking care of your emotional state, and beginning to build a new life for yourself. This is your chance to embark on a new chapter in your social, professional, personal, or spiritual life. The capacity to withstand a relationship challenge of this magnitude has actually reinforced your strength. Your anger and resentment can now be harnessed into more productive activities which can be very empowering. Such life startle can be the beginning of a whole new era of victory. So it’s up to you to make the best out of this situation. You may eventually find an amazing fit who’ll be far more compatible than the one you’ve been pursuing.

Your feedback

How should Martha deal with depression? Readers offer their advice.

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Focus on your life

I suggest you stay away from him and focus on your life. I believe everything happens for a reason; the right person will come your way at the right time. Thank God you have parents who are supportive, take their advice and see a psychiatric so that you get the help needed.

Patrick Ngambe, teacher
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Seek help from a psychologist

It’s hard to go through that and it hurts a lot, but I think you need to seek help from psychologist to help you move on with your life. You shouldn’t waste time thinking of someone who has already moved on with his life.

Anita Mugisha, farmer
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Seek God’s guidance

Pray to God so that He can help you overcome all this, it’s hard but with Him everything is possible. Learn from your mistake and never allow that to happen to you again. You can still work hard and make your parents proud.

Cyprien Muvunyi, father of three
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You should move on

Although you have invested a lot of time and energy into that relationship, you should learn how to move forward with your life. Respect his decision; join social groups that can make you busy.

Catherine Dusabe, fish monger
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Talk to a counsellor

I think you should take care of yourself so that you don’t put your health at risk. Not working for five years because of a heartbreak is something to worry about. Talk to a counsellor so that you don’t end up ruining your life.

Mary Uwimana, mentor
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