There is a girl I used to know back in the day, and every time I remember her, it is mysterious how I tolerated her for even more than five minutes. Other than the fact that she talked way too much, she guzzled alcohol like it was endangered. To add to her list of bizarre behaviour was her stinginess – even to herself! I know it’s not my place to tell people not to be mean with their money, but if you are going to be mean, do not make my wallet your Plan A. This stingy chick had the habit of going to bars, hoping to find people who would buy her alcohol, even when she could afford to buy her own drinks. (Once, she claimed to be broke and as she pulled her phone out of her bag, a petite bundle of not so small notes fell out and she jumped for it like it was her faded youth in a bottle.) If it meant sitting thirsty for a couple of hours and looking seriously misplaced, then dammit, she would sit! But if you expected her to grab her wallet and pay for a drink when someone else could buy her one, you were sadly mistaken!
So one night it went down like this. I was having the time of my life with some friends who were clearly afraid to let their throats dry for even a second, if the way they downed beer was anything to go by. But because life never wants to see people happy, it blew this stingy chick our way, to our utter frustration. No sooner had she sat down than she bent over to whisper in my ear. “Can I have a beer?”
“Because I was having such a good time, I will let your assumption that I am a waitress go,” I said.
“No…I mean buy me a beer,” she said with a grin that made me ache to knock a tooth out.
“Sorry, I’m not doing well myself today.” I said, already feeling nauseated by the direction of the conversation.
“But you are drinking! Also you buy for me,” she insisted.
If you are anything like me, trust that I handled it like a professional. I called the waitress. After texting my friends telling them to wait for me outside, I waited a while for the fool to ask for a second. I wasn’t bad so I called the waitress back. Since I had already cleared my bill, it wasn’t suspicious when I told her that ‘my friend’ would be paying her own bill.
So engrossed she was in sipping free beer that she didn’t notice when I got up, holding my phone to my ear. The music was loud so naturally I needed a quiet place to pick my call. Safely outside, my friends and I grabbed a cab and ordered the guy to drive and not look back. Call me mean, but until your wallet is traumatized, you are in no position to judge. Besides, after months of not speaking to me, it was safe to say that being mean worked like a charm.