A tip from my loser friend

It’s been said that “No man is completely useless; he can always serve as a bad example.”

It’s been said that “No man is completely useless; he can always serve as a bad example.”

Well, I don’t remember exactly when or how Mark came into my life or why I felt comfortable letting him in.

This gentleman is the perfect example of a loser with no hope or desire to ever change that status.

He lives his life like he’s got nothing to lose or no reputation to keep.

He will do anything for money, including selling his own soul if only he could find a buyer.

I’d be an ardent admirer of his creativity only if he could steer it a little in the right and legal direction.

This is the kind of character that invites ladies over and apologises for having an empty fridge.

He then calls his houseboy and asks the ladies for their orders. ‘Bring a bottle of Jack Daniels’. The ladies go on to ask for all sorts of treats to munch on. On leaving the house, the houseboy gets a text from his boss telling him to switch off his phone and stay away till the guests leave.

The guests wait for their order in vain; then he acts pissed and even threatens to sack the boy.

Then they have to sip on soda or juice till they leave.

Mid-week I was forced to borrow one of his tricks, not because I’m like him, but I badly needed to keep up appearances.

While out at Kisimenti irrigating my throat after a day’s work, Lorna, a girl I know, and her two skinny friends entered the joint like we had an appointment and walked straight to my table.

“Do you mind if we join you,” they asked. Before I could reply they were already seated.

She introduced her friends and told them how lucky they were to meet me there. ‘This guy is one of the most loaded and generous guys I know,’ she said with a lot of enthusiasm.

Truth is I was broke but after that mega introduction, I couldn’t tell them the truth. I excused myself and went to a waiter and told him, “Do you see those ladies over there? If they order for anything above Rwf1500 whether drink or snack, tell them you don’t have it. Now go quickly and take their orders.”

I gave him a tip and went back. I couldn’t help but smile every time they frowned when something on the menu ‘wasn’t available’.  At one point, I thought they would give up and go to another place that had what they wanted but nope, they weren’t going anywhere. They still wanted free things! At least I didn’t go home completely drained! Mark, my loser friend isn’t totally useless after all. I learnt this from him.


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