Someone lift this rock I’m currently living under. Angelina Jolie flew in on the 24th and I only found out 48 hours later? Why didn’t anyone flag this weeks before her visit? Still can’t believe I missed her.
Last time she was in Africa was about two years ago, in Namibia and if I remember correctly, she donated $2 million to a wildlife sanctuary at which point I decided I wanted a piece of the Jolie-Pitts glitz. So Miss Jolie, in case you read this, is it too late to adopt a fourth child? I’m a little older than your other kids but that’s a good thing since you wouldn’t have to hire a nanny for me.
I’m also a good bet because you wouldn’t have to deal with tantrums, time out and things like that. Besides, Zahara needs a big sister and one from Sub-Saharan Africa, don’t you think? I won’t be a bad influence. I don’t smoke, drink or do drugs. No late night partying, no crazy friends or loser boyfriend. More importantly, no kids of my own to crowd ‘our’ multimillion-dollar homes in Cambodia, Berlin, Malibu and France.
While you globe-trot, shooting blockbusters or representing the UN, I’ll keep an eye on my six siblings. They seem like good kids although I think Shiloh is a bit cheeky. I’m pretty low maintenance. I don’t need toys or tutors since I’ve already graduated. See? You get to save on tuition. I don’t fancy exotic foods so I’ll be easy to feed. Rice, beef, fish and beans are okay.
The Lord has been good to me and as far as I know, there’re no life-threatening conditions to give you sleepless nights. I’m an African child, grounded in every way so I won’t bring you any bad press. If you’re worried about expensive shoes and clothes, don’t be. The price of my entire wardrobe wouldn’t even come close to what you spend on those over priced handbags that you probably only carry once. In fact, I wouldn’t mind hand me downs from you.
I’m a little shorter and slightly bigger but I know a good tailor who would fix that. She’s a mother of three and could use some dollars too. I know you want to help women like her. By the way, thank you for all the good work you’re doing for refugees, orphans and particularly women. I know where the needs are and perhaps if you get to know me, we can work together to help more families.
But first, you need to help me. Like I said, I don’t need much. $200,000 would change my life. I just need to put up a few rental units and perhaps open that consultancy I’ve always wanted to so I can leave the underpaying job I’m currently working. You can buy me a car if you want but I’m pretty comfortable riding the bus. Told you. I’m a simple girl. I would only ask you for an iPad because your other children already have them, not because I’d have to save for months to afford one.
l have one confession though. I really like Jennifer Aniston but I promise not to talk about her around you and I certainly won’t be watching any Friends reruns in your house. Oh, and I really don’t like Brad. Not that I hate him but I’ve just never got why people fall over themselves around him but for all our sakes, I’ll try to like him.
I believe you now have enough information to start the adoption process. Trust me, no guardian of mine will stand in your way. Not only am I way over 18 but they too have been dreaming of a way to America so you’ll have their full cooperation. Will be waiting. Your adopted daughter-to-be.
To be continued…