When your Pope leaves, take time to replace him

AS SURE AS Raila will win the Kenyan presidential polls on Monday, some of you are going to wonder what my fascination is with the papacy or the Pope or the ex-Pope for that matter. Well, how would a man who nearly became a seminarian and was eyeing the Roman Catholic pulpit and frocks not have mob affinity for the Basilica?
Jacobs O. Seaman
Jacobs O. Seaman

AS SURE AS Raila will win the Kenyan presidential polls on Monday, some of you are going to wonder what my fascination is with the papacy or the Pope or the ex-Pope for that matter. Well, how would a man who nearly became a seminarian and was eyeing the Roman Catholic pulpit and frocks not have mob affinity for the Basilica?

But it is not a joking matter; I served a lot as an altar boy and missed the seminary by fate as “God might have been sleeping at the time” (again, I am just quoting the ex-Pope). But the Pope and a certain Cardinal in Scotland have resigned, leaving behind heart-broken ‘lovers’, who are already searching for replacement.

And as cruel as life tends to be many times, we are forced to endure similar predicaments when our loved ones decide to ‘resign’ from their St. Peters and seek comfort in Castel Gandolfo. When this happens, the heart-broken tend to fall for the temptation to immediately fill the vacancy. They end up using excess emotions to make rush decision.

This is very tricky. You risk picking up a junk because you won’t have the emotional or mental faculty to weigh the suitor, who wants to win more ballots in your bedroom than Odinga and Kenyatta are battling for.

Research has shown that one of the best ways to win over a woman you are eyeing is to watch for that moment when she is hapless after the Pope’s exit. She is more susceptible to manipulations and will want consolations and any kind of shoulder to lean on during such an awkward moment. But like they say, men are animals; they don’t give a damn how bad it is to capitalise on the hapless. All they want is what they want. The manner they get it doesn’t matter.

What you need is a sober mind. You’ll need the brilliance of Kigali City Council in dealing with all kinds of proposals from men. Whenever they send billboard contents, do not just hang them in your bedroom wall and admire. Rather, subject the items through thorough vetting. Trash the offensive ones. Those that are enticing can be sent back with the note: “Censored; what do I mean by this phrase? Won’t it harm my school-going child, whom you promise to take good care of?”

If you do this, no matter how long it takes for you to endure the coming rainy season alone in bed, you will land upon the kind of billboard every man will turn to look at on the street – just make sure you don’t get someone too hot so that she becomes a traffic hazard as motorists struggle to have a second look instead of following the traffic rules.

They say “you rush, you crash.” There is nothing that can be more inspiring to those waiting than that. It’s all about taking caution with our life, after all, good things come to those who wait.

 

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