Rules of the toilet

It’s one thing when you are in the privacy of your home and decide to pee in the shower, but when you’re in public, there are certain expectations on how you should act in the different sections of a rest room.

It’s one thing when you are in the privacy of your home and decide to pee in the shower, but when you’re in public, there are certain expectations on how you should act in the different sections of a rest room.

The urinal

Next to the sink, the urinal is the most common place for awkward interpersonal interaction in the restroom. Never use a urinal next to one that someone else is using (unless all the others are in use), because that sends off a very clear signal to that person, and that signal is that you are a weirdo. Also, don’t be the Peeping Tom who ever wants to ascertain the size of the other guy’s “package.”

Still in the urinal, an important thing to remember is to shake “it” after taking a pee. How many times have you seen a small puddle on the floor in front of the urinal, because someone didn’t bother to remember the simple act of shaking “it”?

How do you “shake it”? Simple. Just tightly squeeze “it” between your thumb and forefinger while moving your hips around in a circular motion. Should anyone give you a funny look while you’re at it, it’s probably because they’re guilty of creating that puddle in the first place.

The stall/cubicle

The toilet stall provides some comfort by affording you a degree of privacy that the urinal does not, but it’s when you are sitting in a pants-down position that you’re also at your most vulnerable. Make sure that when you hear someone else enter the restroom, you cough, grunt, or make some other kind of obvious noise to make known your presence. This way you will forestall the possibly embarrassing situation of another person merely thinking an unoccupied stall door is jammed and kicking your door down to see you going about your business.

Many people can’t actually go about their toilet business if there are other people around to hear them, so it’s fairly commonplace to sit and wait until the other person in the bathroom leaves. Sometimes however, you’ll encounter someone who won’t leave, for whatever reason, and god only knows what they are doing out there, just standing and not making any noise, and they’re not even anywhere near the sink anymore and it’s almost as if they’re standing there specifically waiting for you to make some kind of embarrassing noise.

Worse yet is when you have two people in the stalls who can’t go about their business if someone else is around to hear them. This situation turns into a contest of wills that can go on to uncomfortable extremes, until one person finally stops caring, at which point they will make the loudest, most embarrassing noises that are humanly possible.

The Sink

This is the most social spot in the restroom, where you are going to get tempted into some kind of awkward interaction whether you like it or not. In the office restrooms, it is one of the most common places for small talk with coworkers, but in other public places it is still considered improper to talk to a total stranger just like that. 

 

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