What is Christmas?

My idea of x-mass is simple: loving others. So, come to think of it, why do we even have to wait for Christmas to do that? The season is laden with meaning and tradition, a day most people would rather spend in the warm company of family or friends.

Isn’t it so silly that as our stomachs are gaining weight around Christmas, our wallets are losing weight? Merry Christmas!

My idea of x-mass is simple: loving others. So, come to think of it, why do we even have to wait for Christmas to do that? The season is laden with meaning and tradition, a day most people would rather spend in the warm company of family or friends.

As Greg Bakunzi, the proprietor of Red Rocks Tourist Campsite in Musanze puts it, “Christmas is a time when you become homesick even when you’re home.” I wouldn’t have put it any better than that.  

But BS, a seasoned journalist, begs to differ. “It (Christmas) is just an excuse for people to party. There is nothing religious about it. If anything it’s a capitalist trap, because why does someone buy Christmas lights for instance?”

But BS’s opinion aside, Christmas remains a truly magical time. Magical in that it makes all my money disappear! I don’t know about you, but x-mas always has a way of making my hard-earned wages vanish in the thick festive air. Like they say, even before Christmas has said Hello, it is saying “buy buy”!

Isn’t it so silly that as our stomachs are gaining weight around Christmas, our wallets are losing weight? Merry Christmas!

And what is Christmas without Santa Claus? Who is Santa anyway? Not what you think! Santa is just like every other man. He comes and goes in less than 5 minutes. He eats your food, calls you a bitch and leaves before you even get up.

Santa is usually a fat and stout man. In fact, if tonight some big fat man in a fleecy conical (and comical) hat abducts and throws you into a sack, then please stay calm. Many loving people would have asked Santa for a sweet friend like you. Merry Christmas, dear. Enjoy!

If you wake up tomorrow morning and find no gifts from Santa, do not assume that he does not exist. On the contrary, it truly proves Santa’s existence; it means that someone you know has wished for your wish list as their own gift from Santa. Merry Christmas!

And what’s Christmas without sightings of smiles on people’s faces? There are many funny Christmas messages that can forge an air of fun, of camaraderie among the people. These messages to friends and family need not be the usual ‘Merry Christmas’ or ‘Happy Christmas’ kind.

Why not try sending something funny, something that will leave a trail of laughter while at the same time conveying all your hearty wishes for Christmas. No matter how far your dear ones live, send them a funny Christmas message and spread the cheer of the celebrations.

They will make the occasion memorable for your loved ones. “You are all that I want this Christmas” is the standard, so cliché and so unimaginative.  How about, “You are all that I want this Christmas! Wait, I wouldn’t mind a car, tablet phone and some cash too!”

Does she have a killer smile? If so, consider scribbling her something along these lines; “Your smile is contagious. Pass it on to everyone around. Make everyone happy all along! Merry Christmas!”

My personal favorite is this: “Don’t be afraid if a strange fat man breaks into your house and throws you in a sack. I told Santa that all I wanted for Christmas was you!” Make sure to pepper you messages with as many exclamation marks as possible. They add oomph and emphasis to whatever it is you are trying to say.  

“There is nothing sadder in this world than to awake on a Christmas morning and not be a child” is another Christmas sentiment that should ring so true for anyone who is no longer a child.

If you are the cocky, self-assured type and know of someone who loves these aspects of your character, charm them with a message that cuts right through their heart. Something like; “I wanted to send you something amazing for Christmas, but the postman told me to get out of the mailbox.”

If the boss has tossed you an invite to the office Christmas party, think of sending him a message that breaks the traditional ice between boss and subordinate. Humor him up, for it’s only a Christmas party, right? After thanking the boss for your invite, shore up some courage and tell him that what you loathe about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day. The joke therein is subtle and implied: you are telling the boss well ahead of time that you are going to be the heart of the party and that he should expect some bold behavior and beer-fuelled words from you.

If you love being on the receiving end of Christmas gifts and packages, don’t go around making it too obvious you are on the prowl for freebies. Inject some humor in your plea. “Mail your packages early so the post office can lose them in time for Christmas” is a priceless quote from Johnny Carson that will humor anyone into wrapping up a nice little present for you.

Disclaimer: Use the above messages discreetly as some might be seen as mildly offensive. As long as you know which friend would appreciate which message, you’re good to go!

 

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