Twenty twelve has been a difficult year for Santa Claus, who is under increasing pressure to employ people other than male dwarves, among other problems.
You know, Father Christmas has come under fire from equal opportunity groups after a recent head count revealed he only hires male dwarves.
Labour unions the world over have actually called for greater transparency in the Santa recruiting process: they are now calling for changes that would see Santa not only hiring female workers too, but also tall people.
When I finally gathered the wits around me and challenged Santa to have dwarves compete on equal footing with their taller counterparts for Santa jobs…well, he gave me more than I could think I’d ever bargained for:
“What the f#$% do I care? For all I care to know, I ain’t no f&^%$@$ dwarf!”
Santa wound up by vowing to continue hiring dwarves until laws force him to do otherwise.
Elsewhere in the news, the curtains are of course drawing on the old, tired year that is 2012. And with this customary turn of events comes the ritual of millions of world citizens coming out in droves to pretend to have some scraps of faith left and celebrate the birthday of Jesus Christ on December 25.
Teachings and traditions from the bible will be closely adhered to. These include such fun activities like going to attend Children’s Christmas plays and parties, or better even, an orgy of spending on gifts for anybody, especially one you think might return the favour!
It is also high season for the carnivores. Christmas to this lot means, chiefly, eating obscene piles of meat. This “meating” is punctuated with binge drinking along with all members of the family, including that 9-year-old diaper-bound toddler, for which act of child abuse you now reason: “just one sip won’t hurt.” Really?!
Overspending, overeating and overdrinking aside, millions of unsuspecting men and children are expected to be dragged to church by their mothers and wives.
The whole institution of Christmas (and the attendant Santa) is of course premised on the person of JC. In lessons to his disciples, Jesus explained how he wanted his birthday to be remembered:
“Hear ye, hear ye! Forget not to put a tree in your house, and to give cards to your colleagues. Only through Christmas spending will you truly be welcome into heaven.” The other option is…well, go to hell and ...and burn to cinders.
Meanwhile, desperate governments around the world are counting on the millions of dollars being invested in Christmas-related shopping and travel to forestall another looming global recession. Does this sound like aviation science to you? Well, not to worry.
We are talking about how a boom in your impulsive, Christmas-related spending would leave governments and industry and us ordinary souls with more liquidity. For instance, one of the things likely to spur such an economic upturn are the mass-produced $1 Chinese belts that will now go for a cool $8!