Police and the Driver
A man was pulled over for driving too fast, even though he thought he was driving just fine,
Officer: You were speeding.
Man: No, I wasn’t.
Officer: Yes, you were. I’m giving you a ticket.
Man: But I wasn’t speeding.
Officer: Tell that to the judge! (The officer gives the man the ticket.)
Man: Would I get another ticket if I called you a jerk?
Officer: Yes, you would.
Man: What if I just thought that you were?
Officer: I can’t give you a ticket for what you think.
Man: Fine, I think you’re a jerk!
The wise Scottish Driver
A Scottish man was driving home one night and ran into a car driven by an English man. The Scottish man got out of the car to apologise and offered the Englishman a drink from a bottle of whisky.
The Englishman was glad to have a drink.
«Go on,» said the Scottish man, «Have another drink.»
The Englishman drank gratefully. «But don’t you want one, too?» he asked the Scottish man.
«Perhaps,» replied the Scottish man, «After the police have gone.”