Last weekend I sensed that a serious party mood was hovering in Kampala! Yes, besides, Kampala was bracing itself for Uganda’s 50th independence anniversary! This translated into frothy ice-cold drinks passing through my Sahara Desert called the throat! So, I gathered some few coins and headed straight to Kampala. Once in Kampala, I didn’t waste any time – I mean, I hit the roads that head to those popular Kampala pubs. On the first night, I was joined by my friend called Pato and our taxi driver where we proceeded to swallow substantial amounts of booze.
Consequently, the taxi driver failed to behave like a normal person. The Uganda Waragi in his head forced him to act in a very strange manner. That is why he suddenly thought that he was a senior government official.
He started to bark orders to any passerby. He then stepped on the accelerator and drove towards a popular place called Kabalagala. Meanwhile, Pato was snoozing like a baby in the rear seat. He was so peaceful, snoring all the way as the crazy driver swerved the car and parked it at this incredibly vibrant Pub.
It had clocked 4am. People were still enjoying their ice-cold beers plus some roasted meat. Others were dancing and jumping. In the far corner, there was a group of mean-looking fellows playing snooker. Our driver had forgotten that we had hired him to drive us for the evening. Instead, he somehow thought he was some sort of a small king. That is why he headed straight to the counter and ordered for a double on the rocks.
When the bar attendant requested him to “order with cash”, the driver sobered up. He realized that the person who could wet his throat was none other than Pato. We then joined in at the counter where we continued to clobber bottle after bottle. Pato seemed to have his way around quite comfortably.
Besides, he could speak the local language much more fluently than me. He also had many friends around. Before I knew it, Pato had vanished away with his friends in the crowded place. So, I stayed with the driver doing justice to the bottles. He then asked me whether I needed company. He winked his eye and I immediately guessed what he was referring to.
I tried to refuse but within a few minutes, the driver came along with two ladies. He then whispered to them in the local language. I could not catch all the words but it looked like this was what the driver was saying: “This time, ladies, I have brought you a real muzungu from Kigali. If you fail to de-tooth this one, then I will give up on you. He is loaded with real dollars! This is the only way you can celebrate this Golden Jubilee. Be merciless and ‘de-tooth’ him seriously!” Wow, so this lousy driver was busy setting me up for Kampala ‘de-toothers’?
I quietly vowed not to be tricked by these lousy people. So I stayed alert as the 2 chicks joined us at the counter. I pushed my mobile phone down inside my pants! I also pushed my small remaining shilling notes into my socks. I was not going to be treated like a villager. After ensuring that everything was intact, we resumed our small time talk and drink.
The ladies acted innocent indeed. In fact, they really surprised me when they chose to drink sodas! All along, I thought that they would order for expensive whiskies. I was prepared to let them guzzle as much whisky as they liked at their own risk. For me, I was ready to flee the place and leave them stranded! I was already planning to de-tooth them!
But when they ordered for sodas, I felt guilty. I knew for sure that these were innocent girls who just wanted company. So, I encouraged them to take some Tuskers on my account. We continued to converse and exchange information. They were eager to learn more about our beautiful Rwanda. So I poured my heart out as I heaped praise upon praise on Rwanda.
Then I excused myself for a couple of minutes to go and ‘ease’ myself in the toilets. When I reached the ‘Gents’, I was surprised to see the 2 ladies following me inside! They removed their hair wigs. They removed their stiletto shoes. They removed their fake bras. OH GOSH, they were not girls! They were real men and here they were ready to show me dust.
Within the next 5 minutes, these 2 guys had turned me upside and emptied all my contents including the phone from my panty and cash from my socks.
They slapped me before dashing out, leaving behind their fake female attire. I was cooked. I cursed as I prepared to search for Pato. He had to take me straight to the Bus Park and give me money to enable me board the Kigali-bound bus!