Auntie’s corner

I am a widower and a father of four adult children. My first three children are all married and I live at home with my youngest daughter.  I met a lovely lady a few months ago and she is the only lady that I have really taken interest in -since my wife passed on eight years ago.

I am a widower and a father of four adult children. My first three children are all married and I live at home with my youngest daughter.  I met a lovely lady a few months ago and she is the only lady that I have really taken interest in -since my wife passed on eight years ago. This lady is a single mother of two lovely twin girls. I brought her home to meet my family, but my children said they are not going to allow me to marry her. What do I do? I want to marry her the soonest, but my children are causing me sleepless nights, my children do not want to accept the woman I love and the children, whom I intend to full adopt as mine.
Renee

Dear Renee,

For children, it is always scary to think that your parent is getting married again; to a person you call a stranger.  There are many underlying fears that usually go through the child’s mind, which is normal given the fact that all human beings are protective towards their own.

Some children have been known to be negative towards any relationship their parents enter because they may still be economically and emotionally dependent on you, but more so, when the woman who is getting married comes with a package, in form of children.

A few people find it difficult to make adjustments in their life and always prefer the status quo. On the other hand, if your children are opposed to the idea because of some specific loving concerns, consider these aspects carefully. While you should be concerned about the feelings of your children, you need to take charge of your life and do what you believe is best for you.

The most logical step is to discuss your children’s reactions with your spiritual leader or another counselor and some trusted friends who will keep the children’s misgivings confidential. You need the opinions of people who are somewhat detached from your situation and can give you objective advice about your relationship.

Once you are comfortable with the decision you have made, announce your intentions to your children privately and ask for their love, prayers, and goodwill. After you decide to remarry, most loving children will want your marriage to succeed and will be supportive. If not, the passage of time usually helps people adjust to new situations; even in your case it will come to pass.

But since your children are adults, they are expected to understand the situation you are in. For you to have stayed eight years without marrying another woman, that shows how deeply you loved your wife. They are expected to accept easily, that their father is a human being with feelings and needs.

Let’s be honest here; no one should run your life, not even your own children. Who says you cannot have your own life just because you have adult children? Your children should appreciate the fact that you took enough time to mourn your wife, but that does not mean life should stop there.

You must be able to draw a line between your life and that of your adult children. As of now, your children have nothing to ask from you save for your love. You have educated them; they lead their own lives, so should you.

But what is most evident in such a case scenario is that; when an older couple remarries, their adult children may be concerned about eventual estates and inheritances. Some adult children see their parent’s money as theirs and fear that the new spouse will take what they consider their inheritance.

As the provider, you may want to leave the assets to your surviving spouse – when in actual fact - children think it is rightfully theirs.

I would advise you to talk to your legal counsel about your financial matters and have a legal, clearly written will that specifies how your estate will be divided after your death.

In the meantime, make your stand and do what is good for you – remind them that whatever they are trying so hard to fight for belongs to you only and you are the only one who can decide whether to will them or not.

With this kind of talk, they will bring their act together, believe you me the thought of being disinherited is more scary.

 

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