My beef with Noah

Ten grand says every Noah reading this is panicking now – relax, my beef is with the guy in the Bible. Okay, I know I’m not supposed to hate on ‘God’s men’ or ‘Men of God’ but this one in particular- I really must.
Rachel Garuka
Rachel Garuka

Ten grand says every Noah reading this is panicking now – relax, my beef is with the guy in the Bible. Okay, I know I’m not supposed to hate on ‘God’s men’ or ‘Men of God’ but this one in particular- I really must.

You see, when God was going to destroy the world because it was just too evil, he insisted that Noah take two of every animal and insect (both on land and in water – I wonder about the sharks) into the ark. As if there weren’t enough creatures to leave us traumatised like caterpillars and the like, a pair of mosquitoes flew right in– hence my beef!

This problem could have been dealt with ages ago! All he had to do was to grab them, squeeze the energy out of them in his hand, lay them down, tread heavily on the little creatures, make sure they are absolutely dead and then throw them back out for the flood to finish them off properly.

But no – he had to let them in and because of that, we have malaria, we are forced to sleep under nets in all this heat, we are walking around with weird looking bumps on our bodies also called mosquito bites and tortured with the annoying sound of their buzz in our ears at night!

The other night, I found they had turned my bathroom into their new abode. It was around 2:00 a.m and so I couldn’t get out of the house to go buy doom or some kind of insecticide. I had to fight them woman to mosquito! Believe me when I tell you those things are not easy to kill.

I bruised my hands slapping walls thinking I’ve gotten one – then I even slid and found myself on the floor with a twisted ankle. The mosquito I had been chasing was neatly chilling on the mirror, and I could swear it was looking right at me. I bet if it could, it would have asked me if I was willing to die just to get it because slipping in the bathroom would surely kill me.

So I gave up – returned to bed with my aching ankle and spent the rest of the night listening to what seemed like a choir of mosquitoes. I know what you are thinking – get a mosquito net. I’m telling you it’s impossible to hang anything of the sort in my room. It’s just a wall! Do mosquito nets these days hang on walls?

It is an absolute nightmare. I feel like someone is sending them over to me to get a confession out of me. At this point – I’m capable of confessing to anything if I could just have a good night’s sleep. Noah is to blame – he should have killed these little terrorists when there were only two!

 

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