As someone who has stumbled in finding closure a few times in my life, it is imperative that you get closure on a relationship before staggering into the next. It is relieving and emancipating – like taking a stone out of your shoe or a seed out your tooth.
Closure is that chapter in your life that has been written, read, re-read, and then filed away for posterity. It is easier to get closure if both parties are involved so that you compare notes but let’s face it, what are the chances that’s going to happen?
As ex’s, it’s only logical that one party will not be interested so most times, it is handled individually. You struggle with it alone whether it’s because the other person is dead, unavailable or crazy or just a jerk you decided didn’t deserve to be in your life anymore.
First things first. Take him off that pedestal. Stop acting like your ex was God’s gift to women. He wasn’t perfect. If we’re being honest, he probably wasn’t even close. Make a list of his annoying traits. Let your girls bad-mouth him. Do whatever you have to do -- just take him off that pedestal.
When getting closure, you need to let it all out. By this I mean the anger, the frustrations, the bitterness or whatever else is bothering you. Nothing works better than a letter. Yes – a letter!
If you still have a lot of anger and pain inside, sit down and write an epic letter telling him exactly what you think of him until there are literally no more words. After, fold that sucker up, put it in an envelope, lock it in a drawer and throw the key away! You will feel the emancipation almost instantly.
I’d highly recommend the help of weird rituals. Okay this isn’t witchcraft so don’t freak out. Simply put everything and anything that reminds you of that person in a box, set it on fire, bury the ashes under a tree, preferably not anywhere near you house. The whole point is to just burn any memory that will leave you bitter and also sabotage a new relationship.
Try and reflect on both the good and the bad things about the relationship so that for one, you don’t idealize the relationship and two, you don’t reactively hate the person. The more precision you have on a situation, the easier it will be to sort out your feelings and gain insight. If you’re a list person, a good old-fashioned pro-and-con list should do the trick.
Make new memories for yourself by reliving everything you did, on your own. If it was a fancy restaurant you both loved or a night club that rocked your world –go for it - alone! Go there and have the time of your life.
You can also do things you always wanted to do that you put on hold or simply go out and switch environments. You could go on a retreat or vacation, go sky diving or just redecorate your house. When your environment changes, so does your state of mind.
The last step in getting closure is also the hardest and that is forgiveness. Closure requires forgiveness whether for yourself or others. It takes time and is really the only way to fully heal from a major loss. Unfortunately time is not something we have in plenty.
You never know when forgiveness will happen or how long it will take but maybe, one day you might wake up and realize that the irritating stone in your shoe fell out on its own. You don’t know how but it did. Then – you’ll be ready to move on – a lot more comfortably.