Recently, I discovered the real use of refrigerators in the village! You see, I happened to find myself in a situation where my marital status was about to change. My sneaky friend by the names of Aggrey had pulled a fast one on me. You may recall that he recently hooked me to a Miss Dynamite lady in the name of wife searching!
Aggrey had informed her that I was a loaded fellow. He had thoroughly convinced this young lady that I was the king of all kings. I was the untouchable. I was sleek and cool, but above all, I was carrying a very heavy money purse, not to mention a bulging bank account. Here I was motionless, listening to my blind date, as she switched on in a bid to impress me.
She had to impress me so that I pick her out from the many other candidates that wanted to kubohoza me into marriage. Somehow, word had spread out that I was searching for a bride. I was under immense pressure of finding myself a bride otherwise the elders in the village were on the verge of excommunicating me from their cocktail of clans. To show how serious they were, the elders promised to host the introduction ceremony.
This offer was very welcome indeed. However, it is not from sheer pity or concern that the elders advanced this offer. It was because they simply wanted to use such an occasion, to wet their ageing throats with cold drinks.
In the villages, there are very few refrigerators available. Even the few fridges located in the bars are not used for cooling purposes. This is because; electricity is rare upcountry.
That is how I discovered the real use of fridges in these parts of the world! I tell you; the things you will find locked up in fridges will amaze you. You will find books, old newspapers plus the bosses’ pair of socks! Phew!
Anyways, since there are no cold beers in the village, my elders would have to host my introduction ceremony without drinks.
So, when I called to thank the elders about their generous offer of hosting my mihango, the spokesman uttered out these words “Son, if we had electricity in this village, we could have supplied the drinks as well”. Wow! This could mean only one thing. I had to carry the crates of beer all the way from Kigali. Could I afford it?
Now, Diaspoman is not a rich man as purported by my long time friend, Aggrey. What my peers did not know was that my stay in the Diaspora yielded negative returns. I had been in the Diaspora for many years, but the small investment that I had made, never realized any profits.
I even never reached the break-even point. My investment many years ago was in form of an air ticket. But after ages of toiling, I almost failed to raise funds for an air ticket to ferry me back home.
So when the elders told me that I would have to bring drinks from Kigali, I realized that the offer they had advanced to me was just hot air.
What did they mean when they talked about hosting my introduction ceremony? Surely this should have included eats and drinks! Would I call them to cancel my future wedding plans? No, that would not go down very well. Instead, I decided that I would play it hard for any advancing chicks.
I would make it very difficult and my conditions would be very stiff indeed. I had to start off with this chatterbox first!
Miss Dynamite was already writing down her wish list for me to consider. I figured out that if I came clean, her dynamite would explode. So I had to play my cards with caution…