It was a Friday evening when Sandra Ineza went out on a date with a man she had only met a few weeks earlier. It was their first date and she hoped it would be perfect. She was determined to make a good impression, and that included attire. So she wore a tight red dress (not too inappropriate), a pair of silver high heels and completed her look with a cute purse.Beneath the splendor, however, her heart raced, her palms were sweaty and a million questions run through her mind. “Will he like me?” “Do I look okay?” “What if he doesn’t call me for a second date?” “It felt like I was heading for a job interview but I was determined to meet him, who knows, he could be my Prince Charming. Luckily, I didn’t disappoint and neither did my date,” Ineza recalls. “It was a night to remember. The man was exactly how I had imagined him. Aside from his killer looks, he was intelligent, caring and down to earth. He had everything I was looking for in a man and I knew in that moment that he was the one. Fortunately, the feeling was mutual,” she says. Ineza’s hunch was on point. A few months later they walked down the aisle and now, he is the father of her two beautiful children. She attributes the man’s commitment to the way she carried herself on their first date. “My husband later told me that when we parted ways that Friday, he knew that he had just met the woman he was going to marry. And it was how I carried myself that got him to commit.” Ineza believes that first dates matter and people should make an effort especially if they are looking for something serious and not just a fling. Some say it is mere luck, but a first date can determine how a relationship will turn out, it is where the love story begins. However, nailing it can be hard because even for the most confident people, meeting someone for the first time is nerve-wracking.Some may choose to pull out of the game; however, the only way to get to your soul mate is through dating. One quote labeled this well; trying to fall in love without dating is like trying to become an Olympic swimmer without getting wet. Evan Marc Katz, a relationship expert, gives insight to a first date. It is meant to be fun and one can gain a better sense of the other. He recommends that it’s better to leave out certain matters in the course of it for it to be successful or have a chance of blossoming into something serious. Laying all cards on the table or being upfront on what exactly one is looking for, inquiries about financial status, Katz says are some serious deal breakers. He says that for every person you scare away because they’re not ready for a relationship, you also scare away a good one who is ready but wants to date a well-adjusted person who knows better than to get heavy on the first date. “When you introduce concepts like marriage, kids, religion, politics and money, trying to ensure that the person across you is a good long-term prospect, you essentially turn from a pleasant, fun, likeable person into an interrogator,” Katz adds. Irene Umurerwa, an accountant, agrees with this statement saying that some people, especially women, tend to focus on marriage, forgetting that good things come to those who wait. She says, “Some women show their need for a marriage partner right from the get-go and this is a deal breaker. They seem needy and desperate and this scares men away because they get the sense that you’re testing them for husband or father material which will make them uncomfortable.” Umurerwa advises women to be patient and always let nature take its course instead of rushing it. “Take your time, enjoy the date, have fun with the guy as you learn more about him. He could have come for the fun but later it can turn out to be serious depending on how you go about it,” Umurerwa says. Wilbur Bushara got engaged recently. He shares his experience saying that a first date shouldn’t be based on gauging a relationship’s possibility of success. He says that when he first met his fiancé, he didn’t for one day think of having her for the long haul, however, things turned out differently. “Our first date was a disaster, there was no chemistry and I didn’t even think of seeing her again but after sometime, things took a huge turn and now she is the love of my life.” He says that first dates shouldn’t be ignored all together because it is through them that you get to know the person better. “As I said, first dates don’t entirely determine relationships, however, they shouldn’t be taken for granted because first impressions do matter, that picture you get when you first see someone sticks to your mind, therefore people should try to impress,” Bushara says. Diane Uwacu disagrees, saying that when one messes up on a first date it closes all doors to a possible relationship. She says that a few tips can help one win over a potential companion. “Being yourself is probably the best way to have a good time on a first date, you also have to put effort in your appearance before you meet your date. Also, focus on making solid conversation so that you get to be the date with the brain and beauty,” she points out. Gisele Keza is of the view that first dates don’t mean that much when it comes to determining whether you have found your perfect match or not. But with a few guidelines one can make an honest partner out of it. “I don’t think first dates determine the success or failure of a relationship because people don’t really show who they really are since everyone is trying to impress. However it shouldn’t be ignored because if it’s not through dating, how can one meet their significant other,” she argues. “People should try to be at their best behaviour on the first date, try to be yourself, don’t talk too much, and don’t boast, ask questions to keep the conversation flowing, ask about work, family, hobbies but not about exes or money,” Keza advises. According to Jessica Kayitesi, a youth counselor, dating no longer holds water because its essence was replaced with promiscuous intentions. “Dating has evolved into something that cannot even be explained and to me it has no essence all together. People meet for the first time and they end up in a hotel room which makes me wonder how that can turn into a long-lasting healthy relationship,” she wonders. Kayitesi adds, “I don’t believe that first dates even matter, relationships have been transformed into one-night stands therefore searching for your soul mate is like looking for a needle in a haystack.” Meeting someone for the very first time, giving them your all and expecting them to respect and love you enough to make you marriage material, is nothing close to realistic, she says. Deborah Mutoni is of a similar view, saying that relationships have indeed changed. However, people should move with the flow. Things have changed and there are no specific rules that guide one to a long-lasting relationship. “Whether you have charm, beauty or brains this doesn’t serve as a guarantee to a healthy and successful relationship. People nowadays just don’t like committing; they instead like one-night stands. Three or four dates with you then move on to the next catch, this is the ‘modern love life’ and there is pretty much nothing can change about it,” Mutoni says. “It’s better to live life as one sees fit until the right person comes along but this has got nothing to do with how and what one does on the first date,” she adds. editorial@newtimes.co.rw *************************************** Signs it is a good first date Good first date experiences may seem like a myth, but there are definitely ways to tell if your date is going well. First dates can be awkward because both of you are worrying about so many things – are you making a good first impression, does your date like you, do you look okay, are you talking enough or too much? You wonder if you’re boring or entertaining, if your date will want to go out with you again … so how can you assure a good first date? What you need to do is keep an eye out for the signs it’s a good first date, and as it happens, we can help you with those! 1. The date lasts a while When you’re on a really good first date, you never want it to end. If your date lasts longer than an hour, it’s a pretty reliable sign that you’re on a good one. Generally, first dates last about an hour and a half – if they’re good. If you or your date starts checking the time or getting antsy before the first hour mark, it’s probably not going so well. 2. There’s a little touching This sign is subtle; just because your date isn’t trying to grope you doesn’t mean it’s not going well. Rather, if your date touches your arm or your hair, or if you touch his or her knee, and you both seem to feel comfortable, congratulations! That’s an excellent sign! 3. The ending of a good first date lingers When a date ends super abruptly, with no attempt to linger or make plans to see each other again, it’s a dud. However, if both of you are lingering before you leave, you’re definitely on track for a good first date. If your date isn’t making excuses about having to get home to feed a pet or because of an early morning, you’re good to go! 4. The conversation flows Smooth flowing conversation is a sure sign of a wonderful first date. When the conversation is stilted the entire night, it points to more than nerves and first date jitters. When the two of you have no trouble finding things to talk about, though, you’re having a successful night. 5. You talk about the future We’re not saying a good first date ends with talk of marriage or something, no way. However, if the two of you find yourselves talking about things you want to do or try together, that’s an excellent sign. Odds are, the two of you will be seeing more of each other! 6. Lots of eye contact When your date isn’t into you, he or she won’t want to keep up direct eye contact. The reverse is true as well, of course. So, if you two look at each other and keep up eye contact while you’re having a conversation, you can feel pretty assured that the date is going very well. 7. Total relaxation Pay attention to your date’s posture. When your date seems rigid and tense, that’s always a bad sign. However, if he or she seems relaxed, if his or her posture is lax and cool, then you’re very likely having a good first date. 8. A second date Finally, it goes without saying that if you two arrange a second date right then, your first one has been stellar. Typically, if neither of you have had a good time or if you’re on the fence, a second date won’t come right away. Once that whole future conversation comes to fruition, however, it’s the best sign of all. Not only can you have a good first date, but it’s actually surprisingly easy to figure out when you’re on a good first date. You just have to pay attention to the signs and, if you aren’t seeing them, then you can adjust your behaviour accordingly. The best tip for having a good first date is not to sweat it so much; anxiety is as much to blame for bad first dates as bad chemistry. Agencies *************************************** YOUR VOICE: Can a first date determine the success of a relationship? Emmanuel Ndayisaba, student Emmanuel Ndayisaba I think the first date might not determine a long lasting relationship. Some people look at the first date as an experimenting ground; they want to first see if they can manage a relationship, and with the challenges that come with first dates, some might not take the pressure, hence give up. I can’t say that first dates don’t guarantee any serious results, but most do tend to fail. Steven Muhumuza, student Steven Muhumuza It is during the first date that people get to know each other. I’m talking about sharing their hobbies, interests and aspirations. Besides, this is when a couple gets to know the character of their partner, and obviously visualise if their relationship is worth a try. At some point, some give up depending on how they picture the future with that person, and the reverse is true. I think there is no guarantee that a first date will determine the success of a relationship. Anitha Mutesi, salesperson Anitha Mutesi We have seen people who have succeeded with their first dates, and in fact, made it pretty far in their relationships. This implies that a first date can determine the success of a relationship. As they say, the first impression lasts forever; this works in a relationship as well. It’s obvious that when people gain interest in each other, it is that connection that develops into love, which finally keeps their relationship going. Remy Mugabo, artistabo, artist Remy Mugabo I believe the major factors in a relationship are largely considered and given priority during the first date. I’m talking about intimate connection, which develops into deep love, and this is what mainly keeps a couple budding. Love is a commitment we make. And the good thing with first dates is that both parties are willing to make it a success. I think it’s that committed and love that makes a relationship a success. Compiled by Dennis Agaba
