You are 70 years old. At this stage in your life the only thing on your mind is battling challenges that come with old age. You already raised children of your own and want to live a quiet life and enjoy your pension. But that wish is cut short when you have to be a mother to your own grand or even great grand children. 80-year-old Marguerite Mukangwije raised her grandson from the day he was born because her daughter died during child birth. Her daughter‘s passing left a wound that has never healed but her grandson, she says, is a gift that comforts her and keeps the memory of her daughter alive. “I have always been there for my grandchild because; I am all he’s got, even his own father could care less. I have dearly cared for him like he was my own, and even though he knows I am not his biological mother, he calls me mommy,” Mukangwije narrates. It has not been an easy journey for Mukangwije, but she has managed to sail through. “Raising him has not been easy, I am just a farmer and so money is hard to come by, but I have done my best. I have tried to give him the best care and education I can afford. He once asked questions about his parents and I explained the situation. He understood it better as he grew up,” Mukangwije says. When parents are absent or unable to raise their children, grandparents are often the ones who shoulder the burden. Raising a second generation brings many rewards, including the fulfillment of giving grandkids a sense of security, developing a deeper relationship, and keeping the family together. It also comes with many challenges. Countless circumstances such as divorce, tight work schedules or even death, lead to instances where the grandmother is the sole caretaker of their grandchildren. In regards to Rwanda’s catastrophic history, a great number of children were left orphans after the 1994 Genocide against the Tutsi and many elderly people were left to care for their grandchildren. 22-year-old Julienne Uwase grew up in the care of her grandmother after her father passed away in the Genocide. Her mother had passed on a few years earlier. To her, her grandmother will always be her hero because, according to Uwase, she is the reason she is what she is today. “Life was horrible after I lost both of my parents at a tender age; I hopped from one family member to another because no one was willing to have me as they all had their hands full. My grandmother, weak as she was, took me in, and it was like I had been reunited with my mum. My grandmother was and still is my guardian angel,” Uwase narrates. “Being a child, I sometimes missed my parents but the feeling didn’t last because my grandmother was there to fill the void and though I was an orphan, I was never lonely,” Uwase adds. Uwase is not the only one who has found comfort in her grandmother’s care. After successfully raising their own children, it’s a challenge for grandmothers to effectively take on parenting again. 29-year-old Diana Umurerwa started living with her grandmother when she was a baby and grew up thinking she was her mother. “Apparently, my mother got married and couldn’t take me with her because her husband wasn’t up to raising another man’s child. “Grandmother loved me to bits and she did everything she could to raise me to be the happy and responsible young woman I am today. I respect and love my mother for giving me life but I love my grandmother more for raising me and indeed we share a special bond,” Umurerwa says. She adds that her life wouldn’t have been the same if it wasn’t for her grandmother’s love and the sacrifices that she made for her. Penninah Ishimwe is a single mother; she says that if it wasn’t for her mother she wouldn’t have been able to complete her studies. “I was in my final year at college when I got pregnant; I had to suspend my studies till I gave birth. My mother was so supportive and decided to stay with the baby as I completed my degree. “My son, now five years old, has mostly been raised by his grandmother and if it weren’t for her, I don’t know how I would have juggled studies and motherhood,” Ishimwe says. Ishimwe adds that with her son in the comforting care of her mother, she has absolutely nothing to worry about. “My son still stays with my mother because of my job that requires working late, but I’m certain that he is in safe hands, and this keeps me stress-free,” Ishimwe adds. Josiane Uwineza and her husband have two adorable kids who are being raised by their grandmother. Their decision to have them raised by ‘granny’ arose because of the tight schedule of their jobs. “My husband is a lawyer and I am an accountant for a private company. We both get home very late and the idea of leaving our kids behind with a nanny wasn’t appealing. My mother stays nearby so we decided to leave her with the kids and we only bring them over the weekend when we are all available,” Uwineza says. Uwineza adds that her mother has been a blessing because her heart is at peace knowing that their children are in the safe hands of the loving woman who raised her. Queen Kamanzi and her three siblings were raised by their grandmother after her parents passed away. Kamanzi says that even though her parents had passed away, she never really felt lonely because her grandmother ‘fit into her parent’s shoes’ quite well. Grandmothers are known to shower their grandchildren with love and spoil them with gifts. (Net photos) “I never once felt like I lacked a mother; my grandmother was everything to me. Her love was unconditional, and she loved us all equally. She educated and groomed us into the respectable women we are. I am now a happily married woman,”Kamanzi says. As seen, taking on the role of a parent again can be challenging and oftentimes overwhelming, but it can also be an extremely rewarding experience. There is a wonderful opportunity to be an even more significant part of a grandchild’s life, regardless of the circumstances that led to it. editorial@newtimes.co.rw ******************************************** Parenting the second time around Grandparents raising grandchildren is an age-old practice and continues to be common in today’s society. Although the tips offered are generic in nature, they may be used by any grandparent raising grandchildren. •Network with other grandparents raising their grandchildren. Regular conversations with other grandparents who are also raising their grandchildren can provide a great support as you are able to encourage and give confidence to each other. •Research. Become familiar with resources in your area. If none are available to meet your family’s needs, advocate for change. •Form relationships with your grandchildren’s schools. Be an active presence in the schools, volunteering and making sure to attend parent-teacher conferences and other school-based activities whenever possible. •Regularly attend doctor’s appointments. Make time to ensure your physical and emotional needs are met. Be in touch with your health and feelings. Take time to get adequate amounts of healthy food, rest, and exercise. •Take a time out. It is normal to feel overwhelmed and anxious at times. Arrange for respite care services from friends, neighbours, or agencies before they are needed. That way, the resources will be available when contacted in the moment. •Take time for yourself. Frequently indulge in activities that you enjoy. Make time to relax, and participate in fun things that make you smile and bring you happiness. •Have a sense of humour. Parenting does not come with a handbook, and grand parenting is no different. Laugh often. •Apply for financial assistance if available. Meet with the local social services agencies and others to apply for financial assistance to help defray childrearing costs. •Listen to your grandchildren. The adjustments may have been difficult for you, and even more so for your grandchildren. Allow them time and space to talk to you about how they are feeling. Seek help if needed, for your grandchildren and yourself, to cope with these feelings. •Enjoy the journey. You are to be commended for raising your grandchildren, regardless of the situation. Enjoy small victories and celebrate your and their accomplishments along the way. Agencies ******************************************** I SAY: A grandmother is the best stand-in parent Cecile Mutesi, personal assistant - Price Waterhouse Coopers Rwanda (PWC) Cecile Mutesi Who else can be a better guardian to your child than your own mother? With all the devoted experience it takes to care for a child that includes love and most importantly, patience, no matter how challenging it can be; a grandmother remains the most trusted person to leave your child with in case the parent is not available. They played their part Young Grace, singer Young Grace I don’t see why anyone should task a grandmother to take care of the child, especially when one is around. I don’t doubt that grandmothers are good parents, but I literally believe a child gets better care, affection, motherly love and good upbringing while in the care of his/her own biological mother. In my opinion, mothers should take the initiative to raise their own kids. A child can visit the grandmother, for instance, during the holiday break, but not staying with them for good. They are more experienced Jacky Kayitesi, Minister of Protocol - Kigali Institute of Managment (KIM) Jacky Kayitesi I believe a grandmother can love your child the way you would wish him/her to be loved in your absence. Grandmothers are the women who raised us, they gave us all the love that we needed. I think they are better guardians in the absence of the real mother. However, I still don’t agree with people who give birth and take their kids to the grandparents to raise them. The biological mother understands the child better Praise Mutesi, sales and marketing - Waka Waka Rwanda Praise Mutesi In my opinion, I think a child is raised better in the hands of the mother, not a grandparent. A lot has changed, thus a child of this generation gets a more caring, loving and understanding upbringing from a biological mother. Compiled by Dennis Agaba
