Relationships: The dilemma of taking back your ex

Lillian Kagisha’s boyfriend dumped her after two years of serious courtship. She was devastated and to say that her heart was broken would be an understatement. She had given her all in the relationship for she believed she had met ‘the one’. But fate dictated otherwise and the man who claimed to have loved her earnestly dumped her for another woman.  

She recalls having a tough time leaving her ex in the past and just when she thought she was moving on with her life, her ex came back begging for another chance.

“My ex tried to come back for a re-union but I was too hurt to let that happen. I had lost trust in him and I thought he could once again leave me just like he did in the first place. Giving him a second chance was something I seriously considered but I couldn’t bring myself to do it,” she says. 

Relationships can be tough more so when it involves a break-up and then one has to fight with forgetting that someone they have ever loved. At times, the case for ‘absence makes the heart grow fonder’ comes into play stirring up the dilemma of wanting to have your ex back.

In cases like these, would it be wise to take back an ex?

Counselor Jessica Kayitesi says when a couple breaks up, at times the thought of them getting back together is unavoidable especially when they look back and remember the good times and the future plans they had together.

Though the choice for reconciliation would vary from one relationship to another, Kayitesi warns that a couple shouldn’t ignore the issues that led to the break-up in the first place.

She also warns of the high chances of breaking up again when couples make a U-turn and that it’s always better if people first weigh their reasons for getting back together.

“Couples every so often try reconciliation, but at times things tend not to work out just like in the first place hence breaking up again. The purpose behind replenishing the relationship should be solid enough and should be for the right reasons,” the counsellor says.

Procurement officer Vestine Uwamahoro says as tempting as it may be to get back together with an ex, it is always best to tread carefully when heading down this path.

She, however, apprehends for a person who would want to have their lover back saying that at times the love shared could just be so strong that giving it up is so hard.

“There is always a history behind every couple. Sometimes that history cannot be forgotten even when you find someone else. And people are different, maybe the current partner is not like the one you had and as long as they are still single and still in love with you I think things can be re-engaged,” Uwamahoro says.

In most cases it’s because of the loneliness that someone ends up running back to the arms of an ex-lover, according to Jackline Mukabalisa, an office administrator. 

“Sometimes you get back together not because you really want to but because there is no one else around to comfort you from the loneliness of being single.”

Mukabalisa also notes that what brings this, is when a couple breaks up but decides to stay in touch as friends. “This awakens feelings and memories that you once both shared hence drifting back together, but this only makes matters worse in the end.” 

Would you really take back your ex?

Fionah Kamikazi, a talent advocate, says she wouldn’t advise anyone to go back to their ex arguing that if the person broke up with you, that should be reason enough for one to stay away.

“Under no circumstance would I ever go back to an ex. If I broke up with you that means ‘bye bye’, she says.

Kamikazi says she can only understand when one rekindles a previous relationship in case the reasons for breaking up were not that significant.

Frank Intare an entrepreneur, says some people get back together because they know each other and the thought of a fresh start puts them in the dips.

Some people always go back for comfort, which is not a good idea, he says.

“When the breakup is for silly reasons and the couple realises this afterwards, at times it can be a reason for rekindling the romance.  At times it’s just hard finding someone else to provide the affection, hence looking for your ex,” he says.

Intare, however, is of the view that it is not good to revisit the past because one might just end up getting more hurt. 

“I am against breakups but if it should ever happen, it should be well thought of and not to be reversed. I would never wish to go back to an ex unless if it is for the sake of children.” 

In her article, The Only 3 Reasons You Should Ever Get Back Together With An Ex, Macaela MacKenzie says that no matter how devastated one may feel when a relationship ends, indulging in the idea is generally not a good idea.

She, however, notes that there are plenty of couples who do reunite for the long haul and end up with a partnership that’s healthier and happier than their earlier relationship.

MacKenzie quotes Matt Lundquist, a couples’ therapist in New York, saying that for those who want to try a second chance, they should first take a cold hard look at why the relationship ended, from there, they can decipher whether things will really be ‘different this time’ or not. 

“If you can’t point to some serious self-discovery on both sides, it’s guaranteed to end in the same way. In other words, if you can point to things you learned from your first relationship failure and how they’ve helped you both grow as individuals, a second first date might not be such a bad idea.”

Her article points to settings when both people have changed, the situation has changed and when the mind has changed as the only times when a couple can decide to get back together after a break up.

editorial@newtimes.co.rw

 

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