I have been lost lately; mostly in thought, and for a day or two, in work. I sat in for a colleague at work and I have renewed respect for what some of my superiors have to deal with on a daily basis. I have also admittedly been hanging out a little more than I normally do. While the latter part has been fun, it has also been draining and has mostly left me wondering if I am becoming an old woman or if I simply have outgrown regular late nights. In the process of not losing myself to motherhood, I have tried a few things. Forging new relationships and letting loose on some evenings. Unfortunately, the entire process has not left me unfulfilled, it instead has left me tired and guilty. Please don’t get me wrong. I am the same person who recently wrote about getting out and having a little fun. However, I realise that sometimes the dynamics are different for single parents. As I laugh and make merry, a part of me is languishing in guilt for losing out on time with Kwezi. I recently realised that she is throwing unnecessary tantrums. She seems to be collapsing into tears over the smallest things. She needs constant reassurance and consolation. I at first thought that perhaps her “terrible twos” were kicking in late but another part of me started wondering if she simply missed all the time that I have dedicated to giving her when I am not working. Is this her own way of telling me to tone it down? Perhaps. One of the challenges of raising a child alone is that he or she is solely dependent on you in all ways. There is no any other parent to tuck her into bed after listening to her gibberish for hours. You see, I have gotten Kwezi used to a routine where she is the centre of everything the moment I step into the house after work. We watch cartoons together, we play around and end up curled next to each other for the rest of the night. Those evenings are fulfilling. They are the times when I don’t have to put thought to whatever other issues I may I have. For the past two weeks, I have “cheated on Kwezi” when it comes to giving her my attention. On the other hand, I am a believer in living a little. I have always been an advocate of trying to have a little bit of both worlds; being young and free and also being mummy. It seems in theory it works but its practicability requires much more than I thought. However, we shall overcome and soon, maybe that balance will be accomplished.
